Love or Stupidity

Hi there,

I am breaking my rule not to write online diary anymore but I have no other choices. I have to speak out before it becomes big blasting.

I don't really know why I always let myself in the position to get hurt again and again. I have to admit that I can't just erase him out from my head although I told myself thousand times that I must do.

He is now living with his new woman which mean she must mean a lot so that he dares to make some level of committment- letting she move in and live together. When I was his girl, I had never stayed over at his place without asking whether he was ok. Not everytime I asked I would get "yes" answer though. The excuses were- "I have to study", "I will go out with friend tonight and will be very drunk when I come back home", etc. I respected that if he wanted to have his own time. I didn't get any clues.

But now what? Is it ok for him to have his new girl around him all the time after his working hour? Not become obstacle for his studying? It must be something about me, not his studying or friends.

Early after we broke up, he quickly told his boss about his new girl. Excuse he gave to me was he wanted to feel free to hang out with me, his co-worker and would not be scared whether anyone would see us or not. Sound like a good reason, but have we hung out afterwork since? Yes, but very rare at the beginning and only when his girl was not in town or busy. However, it has never happened recently. Sometimes I asked him out, replied i got was "no i am full, cant eat anymore" or "no, not this week because I have exam". Now no more exam, I am still not asked for any dinner or after-work drink yet. I was wondering why, but I learnt to know it in the hard and depressing way which I am telling you now.

His birthday was couple days ago. I had prepared him his birthday (later I thought it was a big mistake). A day before his birthday, I called him asking him to be in the lobby of his apartment so that I could pass by and drop him a gift. He made it sound like it was so difficult to make his time available for me just for one minute, like my request effected his plan that arranged in advanced. I asked him whether he could pick the gift from my place on Sunday and his answer was "I agreed with xxx to do yyy with her". He even asked me "Can you leave it with receiption?" I thought of throwing it away at that moment because if he didn't feel excited to get a gift from me, why I should bother him.

Wow!!! This is what I supposed to get? He even complained that I shouldn't make him feel so wrong. Oh my god!!! I was wondering how I love this man.

Anyway, eventually, I could handed this gift to him (it must be the last one). When I complained that he seemed to avoid seeing me or impossible that he would ask to see me, he said "I am really like hanging out with this lady. It makes me feel really good".

What??? This is what I get in return after a month planning for his birthday? I felt like i was slapped on my face. Did he meant to tell me that hanging out with me make him feel bad?

Sigh! Suddenly I felt like I just got enlightment. The reason that he 99% has rejected my invitation when I ask him out after work and never initiate asking me out because he wants to spend his time with her more than with me who he claims- a good friend. Does he feel that a minute spending with me means a minute he misses being with her? Anyway, I think I get his point.

I was driving home with my heart broken again. I didn't know whether I love him so much that I spent my time thinking about him and allowed him to treat me like a trash again or I am just completely stupid. Latter is more likely.

Now I have got his message (that he may have tried to tell me for 6 months, but I was too stupid to understand) and should let him go. Nothing is more hurtful than knowing that a guy you love doesn't enjoy spending time with you, no matter what status you are to him. The worst is knowing that how happy he is to be with her.

I gotta keep my head up!!!

Bye,
me