Security, for what?

Hi there,

I spent my Saturday to meet my old friend who I have not met for 4 years. We went to a party, not a drinking type one, outside Bangkok. It was very good atmosphere there, paddy field and river scenes. I really enjoyed it.

For a while after my friend left my house, she gave me a call.
"I had argument with secuity guard of your village. They asked me to open my car's trunk and I refused to do because they couldn't explain to me why", she said on the phone.

"Oh I forgot to tell you that it is procedure of my village security sytem that all visitors have to open the trunk", I explained to her.

"Yes, for what? I got my pass ticket stamped by you. I asked them whether they were afraid that I would steal sign posts and security guard said 'something like that'. I told them I didn't steal anything so why do I have to open the trunk" she kept complaining.

"I agree and disagree with you. By your logic, you don't steal so no need for anyone to check your car. But by their logic, anyone who refuse for inspection is suspect. I agree with you that if they don't know why they have to inspect the car's trunk, what's the point to inspect. What will they do if they see your computer there? Will they know it is yours or mine? Sometimes people just do what they asked to do without finding out why." I tried to calm her down.

"I told them they could call you to ask but they also refsed to do and talked to me badly." she said.

"Maybe they thought you started talking badly first. And, maybe you are the 10th visitors who refused for inspection and gave them hard time. You don't know. Anyway, no excuses for them to behave like that. I agree if you want to give management of my village a call, but make sure that they understand your point of complaints which are (1) security guard should be trained more to understand reasons for all rules so they will know what to do next, not just open the trunk and not even look inside, and (2) how to deal with various kinds of reaction properly. Don't make them misunderstand that you want them to exclude "trunk inspection' procedure. For me, it makes someone who wants to steal thinks twice. I may call mamagement myself to complain that why the security guard let visitor left the village still when she refused to open the trunk. Just because she made some argument?"

Yeah, my friend may behave improperly, but she is not the purpose that I post this blog entry. It is security system I want to talk about. Is it for show or for security really?

If you have been to MBK or other large malls, you will see a scanner installed at the entrance of the mall. Everyone who is walking in, has to walk pass this scanner. When I first saw it, I thought "wow, good security. no bomb for sure!". But when I heard beep noise (which normally that person will be re-check what causes the noise) and looked to see security guard reaction, I had to be disappointed. Security guard didn't do anything with it, not even take a look where the beep noise came from. I thought "what's the point to installed scanner here? Such money and energy wasting!"

My ex's apartment also has funny security system. All tenants have to register their finger print and everytime they want to get access to elevator lobby, they have to scan their finger. Wow sound like high security, does it means that outsider who doesn't have finger print registered cannot access to apartment floor? Nope, if you don't have your finger print register, just use service elevator which anyone can access. Ok, it is not really easy that anyone can access by service elevator because there are cameras wathcing you, but what if nobody looks at the security monitoring screen?

It happens here that government has installed thousands of security cameras at risky area, but when something bad happened and we want to see suspect from the tapes, what we hear is "Oh that camera is broken" or "Ummm...we run out of tape so nothing recorded".

Some security system here is just a joke and for show, making customers or tenants feel safe. My suggestion is you'd better trust and look after yourself.

xx
me

I love him, but I hate him too

Hi there,

Waking up with headache this morning as I drank more than my drinking standard last night at a party. I hope people there think I enjoyed the party although I didn't. However, getting drunk does not help to make you overcome from your problem. It may help you to forget something for a short while, but when you wake up and find yourself alone in your own bed on Saturday morning, you will back to feel bad again.

Recently, as you may know I have been struggled with 2 contrast feelings, "love" and "hate" and will be like this for a while (hopefully a short while).

I love him by the way he made me felt strong, competent and valued.
I hate him by the way he makes me feel lost and low.

I love him by the way he made me felt needed.
I hate him by the way he makes me feel unwanted.

I love him when he showed his caring for me, how much he adored me.
I hate him when sometimes he treats me like a trash or usually judge me playing a game.

I love him when he pushes me to go beyond my ability.
I hate him when he pushes me out of his way.

I love him when he touched me softly while I was sleeping.
I hate him when I think he is doing that to her now.

I love him when he talks and thinks smartly.
I hate him when we could not share smart discussion as often as before.

I love him that he did allow me to behave the way I am.
I hate him that he makes me not be myself and be struggled how to behave in some situations.

I love him when he kisses my forehead.
I hate him when he kisses her lips.

I love to see his smile in a picture.
I hate to see, in that picture, she is next to him .

I love to have a chance to love him the way I want again
I hate to accept that it won't happen.

xx
me

Speechless day!

Hi,

I have thought that I could deal with breaking up pretty well and seems like I will overcome soon until something happened today that showed I was wrong.

Today my ex and I were with a group of people. He was asked about his girlfriend and he replied in front of me. I felt like thunder was striking over my head. It was so hurtful to hear him promptly and proudly response to that question. I didn't know what to do at that moment, but pinching myself not to cry or not bursting in tear. I wanted to immediately run out and cried out loud, but could not. Hope nobody could notice my reaction.

This proves that I am not even closed to the state of "complete overcoming"

How long will this pain be with me? I completely understand why the Vice President of Samsung in Korea jumped from the building today. Maybe he thought it is the easiest and quickest way to end his pain, no matter what causes it.

How should I end mine?

Intellectual charm vs. physical charm

Hi,

I stay up till late at night again although I told myself I would go to bed early tonight because I felt tired from running. A HBO movie about Winston Churchill kept me awake. The scene that touched me was not political scenes, but about him and his wife. I am not sure what presented in the film is true or added, but it tells me that for long lasting relationship you need more than sexual feeling or desire, but friendship.

Today, I was in the seminar about the National Health Act. In this act, it talks about being either physically, mentally, intellectually or socially healthy. These 2 words hit me "intellectual" and "physical"

I assess myself whether I am healthy by those 4 categoies mentioned in the act, especially "intellectual" and "physical". And if I use these 2 categories to define "charm", which one do I have?

Ummm...I think my charm is more intellectual than physical one. I am not meaning that I am so smart, but just want to say that I am not a sport type of person. I love to analyse why and how thing happened (caused by too much watching of CSI perhaps). I love to wisely discuss about various topics with friends. Smart thinking type of person always attracts me. Is anyone attracted to me by my intellectual charm? I think my ex was. He told me he enjoyed hearing my wise thought and I am sure he still does. But priority of charm that meaningful to him is just changed.

My ex is a sport man and has been so into marathon since last year. I am not wondered if he will value physical ability more than intellectual one. Whoever has physical ability could be very charming to him. Unfortunately, not me. Maybe that is why he was impressed by a girl he met early last year who is a marathon runner and eventually becomes his girlfriend. I am not sure whether she has both physical and intellectual charm but she gets him. (This is just normal me analysing about my ended relationship for nothing, but my own curiousity. It can be right or wrong. Only my ex knows.)

Now you may ask, "Is that why you start running? Do you want to have physical charm?" Wrong. I initially decided to run so that my ex and I, at that time, would have one more thing in common apart from work. I don't want to be a marathon runner to compete with his girl because I know I will never win. Actually, I started to run to prove that I can do anything if I want to or if I believe I can do. Being healthier is another reason.

Bedtime now, nite nite
Me

What love is...

Hi there,

Have you ever questioned what love is? I am sure eveyone has, at least once in his/her life. In my opinion, meaning of love is different for each individual depend on type and background of person, time, gender, situation and age. There are many types of love. Love for your lover, love for your friends, love for your parent, love for your children etc.

Let's talk about love between man and woman.

When I was a lot younger, my definition of love is "a good feeling to someone and just being happy to have a chance to see him everyday without conversation". When I am grown up, loving someone is to have strong feeling to him, a guy who I enjoy talking with, sharing my opinion and has something I am proud of. Strong feeling means he is someone I always think of and want to share every successful or failed moment with. He is someone I will be happier to be with than to be without. His face is the last thing I love to see before I fall asleep and be the first thing I enjoy to see in the morning when I wake up. However, it is not easy if you want to define what love really is.

I love my man although I can't explain why. I just feel so. He is my best friend. He is my advisor. He is my older brother and sometimes behaves like my younger brother. He makes me mad. He makes me sad. He makes me happy. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh out loud. Nobody can handle me the way he does. That's why I could lose him as a boyfriend, but can't lose my best friend. If I can't love him the way I want, I will love him the way he wants.

Friendship = relationship - sex

Let's see how other see or think of love.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." Lao Tzu
"But whether it be dream or truth, to do well is what matters. If it be truth, for truth's sake. If not, then to gain friends for the time when we awaken." Pedro Calderon de la Barca
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." Albert Einstein
"I like not only to be loved, but to be told I am loved." George Eliot
"Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' Erich Fromm
"Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit." Kahlil Gibran
"Love is being stupid together." Paul Valery
"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." Aristotle
"Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs." William Shakespeare
"Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop." H.L.Mencken
"Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another." H.L.Mencken
"Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the old." John Ciardi
"Sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence." David Byrne
"Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye." H.Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." Tom Robbins

"Don't waste your time to define "love", but to love." Voice from a Thai woman

xx
Me

Be my own advisor

Hi there,

How are you? How was your weekend? I drove to see my parents who lives in countryside. When you feel bad, it is good to spend time with someone who you know that they unconditionally love you. It makes you feel nice to see how much someone is happy to see you. This feeling can cheers you up from problem you are facing. I took my dad for massage and we both had good time. Later, dad, mom and myself had good dinner together. I slept nicely end of the day.

This make me remember when one of my staff gave me a call last year after her relationship ended for couple months. She was crying and telling me she couldn't focus on her work. She didn't want to do anything at all. She felt like she didn't want to live anymore.

"I feel pity with my time loving him. I feel sad that I also lost good friend", she said.
"You didn't waste your time. If he does not love you as a lover, he can be your good friend still." , I tried to cheer her up.
"Don't even think about suicide. He will feel bad for a while and that's it. Why do you want to die for someone who doesn't love you the way you want? Why keep thinking of him? Why not focus on someone who cares for you always? I think you should take days off and take your parent travelling somewhere.", I added.

I can't believe that a year later all those words I said to her will come back to me like echo.

I met my ex last Friday. Yes, we are still be good friend, friendship is only one thing left for us. He said it seems like I can handle this problem better than him. Words stuck in my mouth and not spoken out were "I wish I had better other choices. I must find the way to survive from this Tsunami of my life without getting crazy and having you as my best friend". He tried to avoid talking about problem but I did the opposite. I think I have to face it if I want to overcome . I told him he may feel terrible with this circumstance but it is the consequence from choice he has made so he had to accept it.

The motto I reminds myself everyday is "Every exit is always the entrance to somewhere else"

Take care,
It's me.

Live your life

Hi there,

On the date of 21st last month, I was told by my man that he was interested in a girl who he really like. I was informed that he would organise Christmas party at his apartment, but he couldn't invite me because the girl he really like would be there. Later I knew that he and she cooked for everyone. So, we officially broke up. There were some signs of termination before, but it was confirmed on that day. Well, when he wanted to move on (with another girl), I had to move out, but unprepared.

My friend suggested to me that I should talk about achievement I have made more than bad feeling. I understand that he wanted me to focus on positive thing, rather than negative one. But, that is life, good time and bad time alternately. We can't really control our life because it is not just us that included, but other parties life also. We may be able to control our part, but you can't control other's. Life is uncertainty and sometimes seems unfair. Some people luckily have more good time than bad one. Some people are opposite. For me, I used to be in the first group, but recently joined the second one. Although I can accept that my relationship ended by reasons, it hurts still. What I can do now is "try" to be normal and live my life, the way I can feel happy again.

I was thinking about "to live my life" and found that I did so many things in the past, like painting, reading, joining workshops making handmade stuff, knitting etc. I realised that I did so many acitivities to fill my free time because I was not involved in any relationship. Did I enjoy to live my life like that? Yes, I was happy, at that circumstance. As the result, these activities I did made my man, at that time thought I was an interesting person.

When I got involved in my last relationship, I enjoyed being with my man so my life was about planning to do something with him when I had free time. I felt like every Friday was my New Year holiday. Doing nothing, but seeing him on Saturday was like heaven. Those activities I did in the past were not attractive to me anymore. So, it was faded out one by one. Was it the good way to live my life? Yes, it was good and I was happy, again at that circumstance. Unfortunately, it made me less interesting after I became a doing-nothing lady and attached too much to only one thing. When I lost what I attached to, I felt like I had nothing left. That's why I feel so painful. However, if you ask me whether I would live my life differently in case I had a chance to go back to my past. My answer will be "No".

This makes me think whether we should admire people by number of activities they have done (or how many clubs they have joined) or we should admire them by the way they enjoy those activities (even if it is just a single dull one that can't be called "activity"). If she is happy to spend all her free time for her man or to look after her kids/parent, why shouldn't she be admired?

However, I have to make sure that the reason I plan to do so many things again at this moment is just to make myself happy with current circumstance, not to compete with anyone. Will it make anyone admire me? I don't know, it is beyond my control.

This blog entry may sound sad again. Please be patient. When my happy day comes, you will see happy story in this blog.

xx
It's me

I did it!

Hi there,

After almost 2 months of running in Lumpinee park about 2-3 times a week, I did a full loop running for the first time last night. Yes, I did it!

This is one of acheivement I have set for this year. First step of this acheivement actually because I expect to be able to run 5 km. without a break. So, reaching 2.5 km. is an impressive semi-final target. Anyway, I got help from my friend who ran beside me and encouraged me.

It was difficult for me to complete the full loop. Not due to physical condition, but my mind. I have a feeling that my mind loves to play game with me. Everytime I run and reach 1 km. line, my mind starts to tell me "You can't run any further. This distance is the best you can do" and then I immediately feel exhuasted and my legs lose energy. It is such a mind game I have to play, not physical challenge.

I later learnt to trick my mind, I start my running at different point each time so that 1 km. point is changed. It works a bit, but still cannot run further than 1.2 km. What is the problem? What does stop me?

Last week, my friend offered to help me. He ran with me and pushed (actually, forced) me to keep running. I found that although I ran for 1 km. and walk for another 4km, I could run for another 1.3 km. Ahh I see what my problem is. I fail in the mind game. I cannot force myself to do what I don't believe I can do. I have never tried to go beyond (what I think) my capability.

This remind me of my time in the Executive Leadership course I attended couple years ago. I had to do outdoor activities. FYI, I am not (or I, again think I am not) an outdoor type of person. One of outdoor activity really touched and scared me was "How far you think you can jump?" We were divided into teams. Each team had to make highest score from accumulated distance each team member can jump. Yeah sound easy if it wasn't jumping from one skinny platform to another tiny one and both platform are about 8 m. height.

(I wasn't in this picture, I took it)

Everyone was asked "How far do you think you can jump?" because the instructor then would make the gap between 2 platforms to meet that distance. "0.60 m." was my answer. It took a long time for me to jump from platform A (on the left in the picture) to the platform B (on the right of the picture). When I finally on platform B, I was told that I had to jump back to platform A. OMG! platform B was on a single pole. My legs were shaking and so was the pole. I thought I couldn't do that and about to cry. My legs still couldn't move. I was told that I had choice to climb down the pole if I felt I couldn't jump back. My team mate kept saying "You can do it! Jump! You can do it!" So after minutes standing at 8 m. above ground with my shaking legs, I decided to jump.

"I can do it! I am alive!" I gave instructor big hug.

When I got back to the left platform, the intructor asked me "Do you know how far you jumped?".
"60 cm" I said.
"No, it was 80 cm." he told me.
"Noway, I saw you make it 60 cm. when I jumped from here to there", I agrued.
"Yes, but I made space bigger later" He said.
Ahh, I quickly realised that when I jumped to the platform B and was facing to other direction, he moved the left platform a bit bigger than I asked for but I didn't know that. So to my mind, it was 60 cm. still.

"This is not about how big the space for you to jump. As long as you think it is within your capability, you will be able to do it. You can see that sometimes you can do beyond what you think you can"

Yes such a mind game. It is an art how to set target vs your capability. Sometimes you need someone to trick you or push you to go beyond just to let you see your real capability. This is what my friend did for me last week and yesterday. Thank you very much to let me know that I can go further.

Now I start thinking what my real or actual capabilities are. Gotta find out!

xx
It's me

Negative Power of Rejection

Hi there,

Yes, what happened to me after New Year holiday makes me feel "rejected". It does not matter whether what I felt is right or wrong, the fact is I felt "rejected".

I shared my problem with a friend of mine and he recommended that I should read about negative power of rejection. "When you understand negative power of rejection, you will overcome this feeling", he said.

I thought "He must be mad!. At this situation, he supposed to make me be able to find positive thing from bad situation, doesn't he?"

Anyway, although I did not really understand what he really meant, I search in google. OMG! I have got 4,070,000 results (including 98,800 results about power supply rejection. Who wants to know about it huh?). Wow! Is this common problem of humanity? Since ice age perhap? I started to feel "Ahhh, it is not just me."

I read some articles and found they were very useful and cheering. Anyone who feels rejected, but has opened mind can quickly understand how this thing happens and how to deal with it.

One article says, "Rejection generally conveys the same messages of non-acceptance such as: There is something wrong with you, you are disliked, you will never change, you do not belong in this group, you are at fault / you did something wrong, or unacceptable, You are not one of us." Yes, right, I was conveyed by some of those messages. "Interesting", I thought and kept reading it.

It says, "To avoid internalizing your experience of rejection, you must proactively make a choice to face your fears, as well as express and share your experience no matter how shameful." I agreed. I did the right thing to share it with my friends (who I can trust, of course). It helps lots.

It says, "my response to you is to focus on your potential, not on the condemning messages of what you did or did not do." Ok, what are my potentials? So I list of things I have potential to do and started to focus on them.

Another article says, "Depression is nothing more than a message sent by your mind to tell you that there is a very big possibility that you won’t be able to get something that you really wanted." Ahh, I see. I wanted someone or want to keep someone with me forever and it seemed like I would not get it so I felt depressed. Understandable!

This article talks about steps to getting over. The first step is to accept it. "Acceptance only happens when all hope is lost, that’s why people accept the death of their loved ones but hardly accept breakups!! As long as you have a 1% hope or even less you won’t be able to move on to the next step and depression will accompany you." Ahh, I see. Don't hope. Don't interprete his kindness to the wrong way.

It says, "Stop visualizing your Ex,..." I cannot do that, too painful not to see him at all. I'd better skip this advice ".. (stop) listening to romantic music,.." Ok, this one is easy. "... (stop) going to the places you used to go to together.." I have to quit my job then if I have to stop going to those places. Skip is! (unless I find better job) "... and get rid of the gifts he bought you." Really? Can't I keep some with me? Skip this advice as well.

It says, "Finally the depression experienced after a breakup is nothing more than loss of hope mixed with a little amount of hope, kill this hope, remind yourself that there are alternatives and even work on finding one and your breakup depression will disappear."

I think that what said in these articles is simple and realistic. We just cannot think of it. When I faced the problem, I admitted that it felt like end of the world. I promptly understood why people decide to commit suicide, not because I thought to do so. Once when I can see that this is a simple problem that can happen to anyone anytime, I can accept it more and be able to deal with it better. However, it doesn't mean I can live with it happily with no more crying.

Now, I understand what my friend meant to tell me. Thank you dear.

It's me

Can I introduce my "Voice from a Thai Woman" blog?

Hi there,

Please let me introduce myself. I am a 40 something Thai woman with a decent work. I am a single woman who has just broken up from almost 5 years relationship. Hang on! I am not here to find a new boyfriend. I just want to find the way to keep myself calm and booked with something. Moreover writing is something I love as well as travelling, photographing and chatting :)


This reminds me about my old time when I had my own web page sharing my opinion how I saw the world to the world and I had many readers. It's great to get a chance to do writing again although it is just as a diary of myself.

What happened recently with me teachs me how importance friends are. It make me think of a quote I loved in the past; "Friends are like stars. Not always seen, but always there". They are someone I don't think of when I am happy. I know my friends would not mind that, but I should not only call them when I need a sholder to cry on. They should be able to hear my happy stories as well. Anyway, one thing shocks me, I don't have a lot of friends who I can call "friends". Less than 5, OMG!.

This will make a big change in my life. Yes, I am 40 something. It sound too late to make a big change, but sooner is better, isn't it? I have to manage my life better. I have to find balance between my work life, my family, my friends, my love life and my "being-with-myself-doing-my-own-thing". Can I do that? I'll try and see.

Actually, I did start doing something new already. I started running last month. What drives me for that is to push myself doing something I've never believed I can do. Running on my own is very very boring and I can have so many excuses to tell myself not to do it, like "ahh it's too bright today", "jezzz, it's dark already", "I want to wait till my friends can run with me" or "no way I gonna run. the place is too crowded". As I said, I started doing it and if I can keep running just on my own and my music, that will be first acheivment I am proud of.

Next thing I will do is seeing my not-so-many friends more often. And, if I can I will make new network by taking a photographing course so that I can join a group of people who loves photography like I do.

It seems like my Year 2010 does not starts smoothly. This kind of thing happened to anyone, not just me. So, I have to live my life for myself and for one who enjoys to see me the way I am.

The show must go on. So must I.

It's me.