Hi there,
I am breaking my rule not to write online diary anymore but I have no other choices. I have to speak out before it becomes big blasting.
I don't really know why I always let myself in the position to get hurt again and again. I have to admit that I can't just erase him out from my head although I told myself thousand times that I must do.
He is now living with his new woman which mean she must mean a lot so that he dares to make some level of committment- letting she move in and live together. When I was his girl, I had never stayed over at his place without asking whether he was ok. Not everytime I asked I would get "yes" answer though. The excuses were- "I have to study", "I will go out with friend tonight and will be very drunk when I come back home", etc. I respected that if he wanted to have his own time. I didn't get any clues.
But now what? Is it ok for him to have his new girl around him all the time after his working hour? Not become obstacle for his studying? It must be something about me, not his studying or friends.
Early after we broke up, he quickly told his boss about his new girl. Excuse he gave to me was he wanted to feel free to hang out with me, his co-worker and would not be scared whether anyone would see us or not. Sound like a good reason, but have we hung out afterwork since? Yes, but very rare at the beginning and only when his girl was not in town or busy. However, it has never happened recently. Sometimes I asked him out, replied i got was "no i am full, cant eat anymore" or "no, not this week because I have exam". Now no more exam, I am still not asked for any dinner or after-work drink yet. I was wondering why, but I learnt to know it in the hard and depressing way which I am telling you now.
His birthday was couple days ago. I had prepared him his birthday (later I thought it was a big mistake). A day before his birthday, I called him asking him to be in the lobby of his apartment so that I could pass by and drop him a gift. He made it sound like it was so difficult to make his time available for me just for one minute, like my request effected his plan that arranged in advanced. I asked him whether he could pick the gift from my place on Sunday and his answer was "I agreed with xxx to do yyy with her". He even asked me "Can you leave it with receiption?" I thought of throwing it away at that moment because if he didn't feel excited to get a gift from me, why I should bother him.
Wow!!! This is what I supposed to get? He even complained that I shouldn't make him feel so wrong. Oh my god!!! I was wondering how I love this man.
Anyway, eventually, I could handed this gift to him (it must be the last one). When I complained that he seemed to avoid seeing me or impossible that he would ask to see me, he said "I am really like hanging out with this lady. It makes me feel really good".
What??? This is what I get in return after a month planning for his birthday? I felt like i was slapped on my face. Did he meant to tell me that hanging out with me make him feel bad?
Sigh! Suddenly I felt like I just got enlightment. The reason that he 99% has rejected my invitation when I ask him out after work and never initiate asking me out because he wants to spend his time with her more than with me who he claims- a good friend. Does he feel that a minute spending with me means a minute he misses being with her? Anyway, I think I get his point.
I was driving home with my heart broken again. I didn't know whether I love him so much that I spent my time thinking about him and allowed him to treat me like a trash again or I am just completely stupid. Latter is more likely.
Now I have got his message (that he may have tried to tell me for 6 months, but I was too stupid to understand) and should let him go. Nothing is more hurtful than knowing that a guy you love doesn't enjoy spending time with you, no matter what status you are to him. The worst is knowing that how happy he is to be with her.
I gotta keep my head up!!!
Bye,
me
Monday, July 19, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Divided country
Hi there,
I don't know what is happening in Thailand and with Thai people. How can my country be divided like this? Is it because that we are uneducated and easily be influented?
When I was a little girl, Thailand was such a lovely country. Although Thailand still is, Thai people have changed lot last 10 years. We are more materialistic. We respect people by how much he earns, not by how good he is. The richer you are, the more your words will be listened. Rich person is good person. We want more money but don't want to work hard. We don't care how to get money as long as we can get it. One who works hard but earn little is judged as silly person. One who follows the rule is judged as non-flexible.
When we see money as god but lazy to work hard, it's easy to buy us. Whoever gives us money, he is nice to us. We don't think a person who teaches us how to fish is as good as a person who hand us fish. Why? We are lazy we want thing instantly.
This allowed smart guy with no morality became priminister of Thailand easily.
We are told that democratic system is the best and civilized which I have nothing to against that. It is just matter of "are we ready?", "Do we really understand what democracy means?" or "Do we know power of our own vote, not just we can earn from that?". Democracy does not only happen on the election day. Also, we cannot just claim that who get the most vote is a good guy without considering how he gets those vote.
How one of our former priminister who now is a fugitive could say "I have to do what 19 millions people want becasue they vote for me" What? Yes you were voted by 19 million, no matter why they voted for you, but you were PM of Thailand and have to listen to >60 millions Thai people.
How he could say that "Any province that vote for my party will get budget allocated" before the election of his 2nd term. He bought votes directly and indirectly. He wouldn't win the election otherwise. And he calls himself "Democracy protector"?
Don't get me wrong that support other system than democracy. I am just sick and tired with a guy who keeps shouting that Thailand loses democracy when we kicked him out. He was kicked out because he robbed his own country.
Pity most of his supporters are naive and uneducated so they don't know that the fugitive does everything to get his money and power back. Some of them get paid to join the demonstration. They plan to fire their own country. Where they think they will live after Thailand completely destroyed. Dubai with the fugitive?
Hope I will wake up and find this is just a bad dream.
Take care xxx
I don't know what is happening in Thailand and with Thai people. How can my country be divided like this? Is it because that we are uneducated and easily be influented?
When I was a little girl, Thailand was such a lovely country. Although Thailand still is, Thai people have changed lot last 10 years. We are more materialistic. We respect people by how much he earns, not by how good he is. The richer you are, the more your words will be listened. Rich person is good person. We want more money but don't want to work hard. We don't care how to get money as long as we can get it. One who works hard but earn little is judged as silly person. One who follows the rule is judged as non-flexible.
When we see money as god but lazy to work hard, it's easy to buy us. Whoever gives us money, he is nice to us. We don't think a person who teaches us how to fish is as good as a person who hand us fish. Why? We are lazy we want thing instantly.
This allowed smart guy with no morality became priminister of Thailand easily.
We are told that democratic system is the best and civilized which I have nothing to against that. It is just matter of "are we ready?", "Do we really understand what democracy means?" or "Do we know power of our own vote, not just we can earn from that?". Democracy does not only happen on the election day. Also, we cannot just claim that who get the most vote is a good guy without considering how he gets those vote.
How one of our former priminister who now is a fugitive could say "I have to do what 19 millions people want becasue they vote for me" What? Yes you were voted by 19 million, no matter why they voted for you, but you were PM of Thailand and have to listen to >60 millions Thai people.
How he could say that "Any province that vote for my party will get budget allocated" before the election of his 2nd term. He bought votes directly and indirectly. He wouldn't win the election otherwise. And he calls himself "Democracy protector"?
Don't get me wrong that support other system than democracy. I am just sick and tired with a guy who keeps shouting that Thailand loses democracy when we kicked him out. He was kicked out because he robbed his own country.
Pity most of his supporters are naive and uneducated so they don't know that the fugitive does everything to get his money and power back. Some of them get paid to join the demonstration. They plan to fire their own country. Where they think they will live after Thailand completely destroyed. Dubai with the fugitive?
Hope I will wake up and find this is just a bad dream.
Take care xxx
Monday, March 8, 2010
Yummier noodle
Hi there,
Have you ever felt that when you try to do something better, the result is worse than when not try?
I have just got this feeling when I had photography class last weekend. I love photographing. My first camera was Yashika, a manual single len camera I bought 19 years ago. The second one was FujiFilm digital camera. The recent one I am using now is Canon 500D, a DSLR camera that I got last year as my birthday present. Since this 500D is not compact camera so it allows me to make better quality than my FujiFilm which is not functional anymore, I decided to take photography courses.
With the better camera and lots of tips learnt from 2 courses, I expect that picture I take must be significantly better than before. But it is not. After I saw pictures taken by me last weeked, I was very disappointed because I think I could do better when I used automatic shooting mode. One of my colleauge said "Do you expect more?" One of my friend said "You are too hard on yourself"
Not just me. One of photo club member who is a staff in the course is very upset with pictures he took recently which when his pictures are compared with mine, it's like A+ vs. C-. But he feels his skill is worse or he did better in the past.
His story makes me feel better with myself and my skill because it shows to me that no one ever be satisfied with himself or what he has. It's all about expectation. We always expect more and more. There is a song I like which says "You love me less or I expect more fom you". I also have my own motto that I usually say "Other people's noodle is always looked yummier than yours". We are not happy with what we have. We always see two rabbits in the bush are better than one in our hands. Anything not belong to you or not done by you else usually look more valued.
Apart from expectation, another obstacle is "rules". In the class our instructor taught us 16 things we hade to think before pressing shutter. Althought he said "Sometimes you have to decide to take picture that you like or to make it right (by rules)", I was framed by those rules and as the result my creativity was frozen. What in my head yesterday was "What about rule of third?", "What's about white balance?", "What's about foreground and background?", "How to compensate the light?", "Should speed shutter be faster?"etc. Eventually I am not happy with my pictures because I think they don't meet some rules. Those pictures are not good enough for me just becuase my expectation has been changed bu all those rules.
Wow, photo class does not just only teaches me how to take good picture, but also gives me lesson of life. "How to manage your expectation to keep you motivated but not too much pressure on you?" "When to follow or to break the rule?" or "How to maintain your happiness while being motivated and rules met?"
I think finally we have to ask ourselves whether we will be happier with what we are trying to do or to be .
About photographing, I am happy with what I am trying to do so I am not giving up. About myself, I should not try to be someone I am not. Hopefully I am yummier noodle to someone.
What's about you? Do you enjoy your noodle?
Goodnight xx
Have you ever felt that when you try to do something better, the result is worse than when not try?
I have just got this feeling when I had photography class last weekend. I love photographing. My first camera was Yashika, a manual single len camera I bought 19 years ago. The second one was FujiFilm digital camera. The recent one I am using now is Canon 500D, a DSLR camera that I got last year as my birthday present. Since this 500D is not compact camera so it allows me to make better quality than my FujiFilm which is not functional anymore, I decided to take photography courses.
With the better camera and lots of tips learnt from 2 courses, I expect that picture I take must be significantly better than before. But it is not. After I saw pictures taken by me last weeked, I was very disappointed because I think I could do better when I used automatic shooting mode. One of my colleauge said "Do you expect more?" One of my friend said "You are too hard on yourself"
Not just me. One of photo club member who is a staff in the course is very upset with pictures he took recently which when his pictures are compared with mine, it's like A+ vs. C-. But he feels his skill is worse or he did better in the past.
His story makes me feel better with myself and my skill because it shows to me that no one ever be satisfied with himself or what he has. It's all about expectation. We always expect more and more. There is a song I like which says "You love me less or I expect more fom you". I also have my own motto that I usually say "Other people's noodle is always looked yummier than yours". We are not happy with what we have. We always see two rabbits in the bush are better than one in our hands. Anything not belong to you or not done by you else usually look more valued.
Apart from expectation, another obstacle is "rules". In the class our instructor taught us 16 things we hade to think before pressing shutter. Althought he said "Sometimes you have to decide to take picture that you like or to make it right (by rules)", I was framed by those rules and as the result my creativity was frozen. What in my head yesterday was "What about rule of third?", "What's about white balance?", "What's about foreground and background?", "How to compensate the light?", "Should speed shutter be faster?"etc. Eventually I am not happy with my pictures because I think they don't meet some rules. Those pictures are not good enough for me just becuase my expectation has been changed bu all those rules.
Wow, photo class does not just only teaches me how to take good picture, but also gives me lesson of life. "How to manage your expectation to keep you motivated but not too much pressure on you?" "When to follow or to break the rule?" or "How to maintain your happiness while being motivated and rules met?"
I think finally we have to ask ourselves whether we will be happier with what we are trying to do or to be .
About photographing, I am happy with what I am trying to do so I am not giving up. About myself, I should not try to be someone I am not. Hopefully I am yummier noodle to someone.
What's about you? Do you enjoy your noodle?
Goodnight xx
Saturday, March 6, 2010
My Buddy
Hi there,
I just finished watching a movie "Marley & Me" on Star Movie. I didn't mean to watch it actually, but nothing else to do. I thought it's just a funny movie about human and a dog with bad behavior, but I felt something more than that when it ended. It's about being bonded or connected.
Not only a dog (and me) that can be man's best friend,in my opinion a bird can also be if he is a smant one. This movie reminds me of a bird, the smartest one I have ever met. I am not sure whether it's appropriated or allowed to call him "my bird" so I'd better call him "Buddy".
4 years ago, my ex decided to have an Afrigan Grey, a bird with the largest brain, as a pet so we went to the market and found an ugly baby bird. Yes he was Buddy. He must be about couple days old so he had no feather at all. That was how Buddy and I met for the first time.
I have to say that seeing Buddy for 4 years made me bonded with him although I couldn't classify him as my pet because he lives with my ex, not me. However, I have seen him more often than I have seen my ex. Why? Becasue I had to look after him almost every time my ex was away. The more he is grown up, the smarter he is and the more I love him.
He said to me "Hello Khun Maid" every time I turned the tap on to wash dishes. Maybe to him, only maid does dish washing job.
When I was watching TV, he would ask "come up up?" so I let him up on my shoulder and both of us watched TV together. When I laughed at program on TV, he also laughed with me. Sometimes he wanted to be on my shoulder when I was working as well.
When I talked to him, he would say "uh huh, uh huh" or sometimes "wha Voice?"so it made me feel like I was talking to my friend who understood what I said.
In the morning while I was cleaning his cage, he would keep looking at me like he had to inspect my cleaning work. When I got dress and was about to leave apartment, he would say "Bye Bye", but if I was about to leave with my running gear on, he would say "See you later" How a bird can know I would be out long time or short time and pick the right statement to say. Just by my dress? That's amazing!
I remember one day he flew from his cage and hit the wall, he said "ouchh!". I killed myself laughing when I heard that.
Now you understand why I think that he is the smartest bird in the world (or I should say "in my world")
He is a good bird although sometimes he calls himself "Bad bird, bad bird". By the way, he has made me cried 3 times. The first time was when I let him be on my shoulder and he bit my chest. Ouchh that was hurt. The second time I packed all of my stuff from my ex apartment and had to say good bye to him and told him that I would not see him anymore. The last one was tonight after I saw Marley in the movie and I felt I missed him.
Yes, I miss him now. I am sure he is smart still and enjoys new face there. He is a lovely bird so anyone can fall in love with him easily.
You are my charming bird, Buddy. and Happy birth month!!
Take care,
me
I just finished watching a movie "Marley & Me" on Star Movie. I didn't mean to watch it actually, but nothing else to do. I thought it's just a funny movie about human and a dog with bad behavior, but I felt something more than that when it ended. It's about being bonded or connected.
Not only a dog (and me) that can be man's best friend,in my opinion a bird can also be if he is a smant one. This movie reminds me of a bird, the smartest one I have ever met. I am not sure whether it's appropriated or allowed to call him "my bird" so I'd better call him "Buddy".
4 years ago, my ex decided to have an Afrigan Grey, a bird with the largest brain, as a pet so we went to the market and found an ugly baby bird. Yes he was Buddy. He must be about couple days old so he had no feather at all. That was how Buddy and I met for the first time.
I have to say that seeing Buddy for 4 years made me bonded with him although I couldn't classify him as my pet because he lives with my ex, not me. However, I have seen him more often than I have seen my ex. Why? Becasue I had to look after him almost every time my ex was away. The more he is grown up, the smarter he is and the more I love him.
He said to me "Hello Khun Maid" every time I turned the tap on to wash dishes. Maybe to him, only maid does dish washing job.
When I was watching TV, he would ask "come up up?" so I let him up on my shoulder and both of us watched TV together. When I laughed at program on TV, he also laughed with me. Sometimes he wanted to be on my shoulder when I was working as well.
When I talked to him, he would say "uh huh, uh huh" or sometimes "wha Voice?"so it made me feel like I was talking to my friend who understood what I said.
In the morning while I was cleaning his cage, he would keep looking at me like he had to inspect my cleaning work. When I got dress and was about to leave apartment, he would say "Bye Bye", but if I was about to leave with my running gear on, he would say "See you later" How a bird can know I would be out long time or short time and pick the right statement to say. Just by my dress? That's amazing!
I remember one day he flew from his cage and hit the wall, he said "ouchh!". I killed myself laughing when I heard that.
Now you understand why I think that he is the smartest bird in the world (or I should say "in my world")
He is a good bird although sometimes he calls himself "Bad bird, bad bird". By the way, he has made me cried 3 times. The first time was when I let him be on my shoulder and he bit my chest. Ouchh that was hurt. The second time I packed all of my stuff from my ex apartment and had to say good bye to him and told him that I would not see him anymore. The last one was tonight after I saw Marley in the movie and I felt I missed him.
Yes, I miss him now. I am sure he is smart still and enjoys new face there. He is a lovely bird so anyone can fall in love with him easily.
You are my charming bird, Buddy. and Happy birth month!!
Take care,
me
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Friendship
Hi there,
Long time no see. I have been busy with work and also other things. I had ok time last week. It seems like I know where is a place for me. Just something around me has changed, it doesn't decrease my value. Presently I enjoy (or try to??) making myself look better and now I feel good with myself, my new life.
Anyway, I used to talk about relationship vs. friendship for a bit. Relationship is complicated. Someone says the breaking up scares him to involve in relationship but only take him a week to start the new one. Someone has been seeing a woman for years, but never called her "girlfriend" while another calls a girl he has been dating with for 2 month "my girlfriend". As I said relationship is not easy to understand even for 40 years old woman like me. So, let forget about it for a while.
If relationship is not for me, what about friendship? Is it easier? Can man and woman be best friend? Will it like a movie "When Harry met Sally?" or "My best friend's wedding"? Only time can tell.
"A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." Elbert Hubbard
"single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world." Leo Buscaglia
"Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends." Shirley MacLaine
"Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies." Aristotle
"Friendship is one mind in two bodies." Mencius
"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." Oprah Winfrey
"The friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you." Elbert Hubbard
"The only way to have a friend is to be one." Ralph Waldo Emerson
"When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it." Edward W. Howe
"You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job." Laurence J. Peter
I believe that friendship is good always, if it's real. It doesn't change by time, who you are, how you look or your defects. I have heard from somewhere that "At the party, true friend will be the first who arrives and be the last who leaves.". Yeah, but only if I am invited.
Ok, bedtime. Good night.
me
Long time no see. I have been busy with work and also other things. I had ok time last week. It seems like I know where is a place for me. Just something around me has changed, it doesn't decrease my value. Presently I enjoy (or try to??) making myself look better and now I feel good with myself, my new life.
Anyway, I used to talk about relationship vs. friendship for a bit. Relationship is complicated. Someone says the breaking up scares him to involve in relationship but only take him a week to start the new one. Someone has been seeing a woman for years, but never called her "girlfriend" while another calls a girl he has been dating with for 2 month "my girlfriend". As I said relationship is not easy to understand even for 40 years old woman like me. So, let forget about it for a while.
If relationship is not for me, what about friendship? Is it easier? Can man and woman be best friend? Will it like a movie "When Harry met Sally?" or "My best friend's wedding"? Only time can tell.
"A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." Elbert Hubbard
"single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world." Leo Buscaglia
"Fear makes strangers of people who would be friends." Shirley MacLaine
"Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies." Aristotle
"Friendship is one mind in two bodies." Mencius
"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." Oprah Winfrey
"The friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you." Elbert Hubbard
"The only way to have a friend is to be one." Ralph Waldo Emerson
"When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it." Edward W. Howe
"You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job." Laurence J. Peter
I believe that friendship is good always, if it's real. It doesn't change by time, who you are, how you look or your defects. I have heard from somewhere that "At the party, true friend will be the first who arrives and be the last who leaves.". Yeah, but only if I am invited.
Ok, bedtime. Good night.
me
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Achievement of life
Hi there,
I haven't posted for couple days. I have busy days this week. Not about hard work though, but spending most of my time in the meeting, giving some frank-but-hardly-to-be-accepted-by-Thai comments. I spent Monday and Tuesday evening running in the park. Oh my god! it was very tiring especially on Tuesday that my friend forced me to run 2 laps of Lupinee park which is equivalent to 5 km. I felt so exhausted and my legs barely moved afterward. However, I have to accept that it is kind of achievment for me who started from a person who never run in November and now in February can run 5 km. non-stop.
Anyway, yesterday I had to go to see my physical therapist to get muscle stretching and today I had no energy left so gotta work from home. My right side of brain thinks "No pain, no gain" while the left side asks "What do you gain, apart from weak body today?" Nahhh...I am sure I will gain something sometimes somehow.
Talking about setting your goal and achievment, I have just realised that, compare with my friend, I can say that I don't really have a goal for my personal life. I just live day by day without short term or long term goal. My life seems boring to someone.
My friend is kind of activities man or I-have-to-do-something-all-the-time type of person. He does many things, working, studying, running, being daddy to his children, being pain in the ass at work, being kicking feet to me, etc. He told me I had to think big when setting a goal. Rather than setting 5 km as my longest running distance this year, he suggest that I should plan for half marathon end of this year.
Oh dear!! Don' push me that hard. I don't think I will go ahead with that goal, at least this year. Moreover, I want to run for fun and good health (with good shape as a bonus).
About thinking big always, I am not sure whether I agree with him. Sometimes I think it is better to set small goal which you can achieve easily (but not too easy) so you feel happy that you achieve something (although it's small one or meaningless to someone). If goal is too difficult, it can make you give up and fail. I am not so sure which one is better really. Depend on individual character, perhaps.
As I always say each person has his/her own strength and weakness or something we like and something we hate. I know it's good to go as far as possible, but to see what? I don't have to wait until I can reach the finish line at marathon event to feel happy with myself. In fact, i am proud of myself everytime I can run longer than the day before. Happiness is not always at the end of tunnel. Focusing too much on at the destination, you may lose opportunity to see beautiful flowers along your path.
Anyway, it's good to have a goal, big or small up to you as long as you won't let in ruin your life.
Good night everyone.
me
I haven't posted for couple days. I have busy days this week. Not about hard work though, but spending most of my time in the meeting, giving some frank-but-hardly-to-be-accepted-by-Thai comments. I spent Monday and Tuesday evening running in the park. Oh my god! it was very tiring especially on Tuesday that my friend forced me to run 2 laps of Lupinee park which is equivalent to 5 km. I felt so exhausted and my legs barely moved afterward. However, I have to accept that it is kind of achievment for me who started from a person who never run in November and now in February can run 5 km. non-stop.
Anyway, yesterday I had to go to see my physical therapist to get muscle stretching and today I had no energy left so gotta work from home. My right side of brain thinks "No pain, no gain" while the left side asks "What do you gain, apart from weak body today?" Nahhh...I am sure I will gain something sometimes somehow.
Talking about setting your goal and achievment, I have just realised that, compare with my friend, I can say that I don't really have a goal for my personal life. I just live day by day without short term or long term goal. My life seems boring to someone.
My friend is kind of activities man or I-have-to-do-something-all-the-time type of person. He does many things, working, studying, running, being daddy to his children, being pain in the ass at work, being kicking feet to me, etc. He told me I had to think big when setting a goal. Rather than setting 5 km as my longest running distance this year, he suggest that I should plan for half marathon end of this year.
Oh dear!! Don' push me that hard. I don't think I will go ahead with that goal, at least this year. Moreover, I want to run for fun and good health (with good shape as a bonus).
About thinking big always, I am not sure whether I agree with him. Sometimes I think it is better to set small goal which you can achieve easily (but not too easy) so you feel happy that you achieve something (although it's small one or meaningless to someone). If goal is too difficult, it can make you give up and fail. I am not so sure which one is better really. Depend on individual character, perhaps.
As I always say each person has his/her own strength and weakness or something we like and something we hate. I know it's good to go as far as possible, but to see what? I don't have to wait until I can reach the finish line at marathon event to feel happy with myself. In fact, i am proud of myself everytime I can run longer than the day before. Happiness is not always at the end of tunnel. Focusing too much on at the destination, you may lose opportunity to see beautiful flowers along your path.
Anyway, it's good to have a goal, big or small up to you as long as you won't let in ruin your life.
Good night everyone.
me
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Notting Hill
Hi there,
Please do not laugh at me if I tell you that one of my favorite movie is "Notting Hill". I even tried to find that book shop when I was in London.
After I woke up this morning, I turned on HBO and Notting Hill was on. As normal, I sat down and watched it. I cannot tell how many time I have watched it, but today it is the first time I watched it as a just-broken-heart person. Believe it or not, how I see this movie is completely different.
When I watched this movie when I was in love, I only saw or felt how 2 people from different places and different society can meet and fall for each other.
When I watched it today, I saw what can be reasons for a couple to be apart or to decide to end or not to continue relationship. William refused when Anna asked whether she could see him again becasue he was afraid that he couldn't deal with heart broken anymore after he just spent 6 months to overcome from the first time. I felt like I didn't see this scene before.
The other scene I felt like I have never seen as well was when Anna said "I will regret about this all my life" when she faced problem from paparazzi finding her in William's apartment in the morning just after she had wonderful time with William the night before. I felt "Ouch!! That's hurt for William. Definitely he will feel she thought she shouldn't sleep with him. She feels regret to be with him". This reminds me of my ex told me sometimes ago "This is the mistake", yes he meant our relationship.
Another scene, after great sexy night, Anna asked William "Can I stay longer?" and William's reply was "Stay forever". I can swear I have never seen this scene before. Oh my god! Was I watching the same movie? It, again remind me of our conversation:-
"Can I come over?", I asked
"Of course you can. You don't have to ask", he replied.
I hope I can watch Nothing Hill and then cry with happy tear again.
Nite nite.
me
Please do not laugh at me if I tell you that one of my favorite movie is "Notting Hill". I even tried to find that book shop when I was in London.
After I woke up this morning, I turned on HBO and Notting Hill was on. As normal, I sat down and watched it. I cannot tell how many time I have watched it, but today it is the first time I watched it as a just-broken-heart person. Believe it or not, how I see this movie is completely different.
When I watched this movie when I was in love, I only saw or felt how 2 people from different places and different society can meet and fall for each other.
When I watched it today, I saw what can be reasons for a couple to be apart or to decide to end or not to continue relationship. William refused when Anna asked whether she could see him again becasue he was afraid that he couldn't deal with heart broken anymore after he just spent 6 months to overcome from the first time. I felt like I didn't see this scene before.
The other scene I felt like I have never seen as well was when Anna said "I will regret about this all my life" when she faced problem from paparazzi finding her in William's apartment in the morning just after she had wonderful time with William the night before. I felt "Ouch!! That's hurt for William. Definitely he will feel she thought she shouldn't sleep with him. She feels regret to be with him". This reminds me of my ex told me sometimes ago "This is the mistake", yes he meant our relationship.
Another scene, after great sexy night, Anna asked William "Can I stay longer?" and William's reply was "Stay forever". I can swear I have never seen this scene before. Oh my god! Was I watching the same movie? It, again remind me of our conversation:-
"Can I come over?", I asked
"Of course you can. You don't have to ask", he replied.
Even a joke Anna told William "You have big feet. Do you know what people say about guy with big feet? Big feet, large......large...shoe", it is exactly the joke my ex told me and become my favorite joke. And, trust me, this is the first time I heard it in this movie.
I am not ashame to tell you that I cry everytime I watch this movie, including today. The difference are just before I cried with happy tear for the happy ending, but today I cried because my story didn't end happily like in the movie.
Not wonder why different people can see different thing from the same situation/scen. Even same person with different emotion can't see same thing as before.I hope I can watch Nothing Hill and then cry with happy tear again.
Nite nite.
me
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Different way of thinking
Hi there,
Yesterday my female friend who I went shopping with on Wednesday told me that
"Do you remember the moisturiser I bought with you other day?
"Yes. Why?", I replied.
"My husband said it smell like Indian", she said.
"Did you ask him 'have you slept with indian lady so you know about the smell?", I asked her.
"No, I just said to him 'I bought it becasue I know you like Indian", she said.
I was stunned for a while after she said that to me. Such the different way of thinking bewteen two of us!!
For me, the way I think is so negative, always think of bad thing from any situation (I must have done too many Risk Assessment, as part of my job) so when I heard of comment from my friend's husband on that moisturiser , my brain interpreted that "he meant this cream smell like a cream that indian lady uses so he must sleep with Indian lady. How he know about it, otherwise"
For her, she just told him she bought it becasue she knew he likes it.
Then I told her, "Oh dear!!! Can you see how we think differently? . As the result, you are with your husband still while I have no one. I am not wondered. Now I understand."
I have learnt when it's too late. Poor me!
Nite nite,
me
Yesterday my female friend who I went shopping with on Wednesday told me that
"Do you remember the moisturiser I bought with you other day?
"Yes. Why?", I replied.
"My husband said it smell like Indian", she said.
"Did you ask him 'have you slept with indian lady so you know about the smell?", I asked her.
"No, I just said to him 'I bought it becasue I know you like Indian", she said.
I was stunned for a while after she said that to me. Such the different way of thinking bewteen two of us!!
For me, the way I think is so negative, always think of bad thing from any situation (I must have done too many Risk Assessment, as part of my job) so when I heard of comment from my friend's husband on that moisturiser , my brain interpreted that "he meant this cream smell like a cream that indian lady uses so he must sleep with Indian lady. How he know about it, otherwise"
For her, she just told him she bought it becasue she knew he likes it.
Then I told her, "Oh dear!!! Can you see how we think differently? . As the result, you are with your husband still while I have no one. I am not wondered. Now I understand."
I have learnt when it's too late. Poor me!
Nite nite,
me
Thursday, February 11, 2010
I hate myself
Hi there,
I know you will be wondering what I mean for this entry's title and question why I hate myself.
In any circumstance, situation or problem, we can select to think about good part (and feel ok with it) or bad part of what has happened (and suffer from it).
During this breaking up, from total 10 progress levels I have moved from Level 1 (the most suffering emotion) to Level 5 (somewhere in the middle. very happy one day, cry on the way home on the next day). Although it is not easy, I am a bit better each day. However, I usually destroy my happiness by asking these questions and make myself feel bad again :-
Why this happened to me?
How could he kissed her while he was in relationship with me?
How could he let me look after his apartment when he was on oversea and in country trip that involved her (and he might kiss her in one of those trip)?
How could he stay with her on the 3rd Jan. (and ignored my phone) after we just had good new year holiday together?
How could she move her stuff in his apartment just after I moved mine out for 2-3 weeks?
Etc...
When I don't think about those questions, I feel good like I am back to normal. I can laugh again. I can talk/chat to him normally with no pain. I have choices, but why select to make myself suffer. I don't really understand. I might be mad. I hate myself.
Today I spent my time with my female friend having face mask, good treatment for lady, and end up shopping at Central. I saw many nice looking guys in store and I told myself "Wow, I have never seen so many handsome guys at the same time before" Why is that? Because now I am available so I keep my eyes opened for new faces (even just for curious). I have never done this when I was in relationship. I have never searched for someone better than my man.
I always believe that you can't find for the best lover, you only get the better one. However, don't forget that everyone always has something better and worse than other, depend what you focus on and weight for. If you keep searching and start to compare the lover you have and the new potential one, the existing one will never win. Why is that? With your existing lover, you know all his/her good and bad thing. With the new potential one, you will only see good thing which must attract you to his/her. He/she may have more bad thing than your existing lover, but you won't see it or see but ignore it. Why? Becasue he/she has something that your existing one does not have. So, you decide to go ahead with new potential one. Couple years later if you don't stop searching, this cycle will happen again and will never stop.
From my observation in supermarket i see that even with "Sale" tag on, not many people will pick a pack of old meat. The fact of life is "Old meat never win when compete with fresh one".
You may argue that when someone keep searching that becasue something are missing from his/her relationship. True! But nothing is perfect, nor is relationship. There will be something missting in your new relationship as well. It is about how you value "something missing" vs."something you guys have together". Unfortunately, most of us spend time seeking for thing we miss rather than utilise time to enjoy what we already have.
Anyway, it happened and nothing I can do about it. It may seem to you guy that right now I can accept this fact of life, but trust me tomorrow I will ask myself those non-sense questions again and feel terrible. It will take a year to move to level 10 perhap.
See why I hate myself?
What? You hate me too? :) I know you don't.
Good night.
me
I know you will be wondering what I mean for this entry's title and question why I hate myself.
In any circumstance, situation or problem, we can select to think about good part (and feel ok with it) or bad part of what has happened (and suffer from it).
During this breaking up, from total 10 progress levels I have moved from Level 1 (the most suffering emotion) to Level 5 (somewhere in the middle. very happy one day, cry on the way home on the next day). Although it is not easy, I am a bit better each day. However, I usually destroy my happiness by asking these questions and make myself feel bad again :-
Why this happened to me?
How could he kissed her while he was in relationship with me?
How could he let me look after his apartment when he was on oversea and in country trip that involved her (and he might kiss her in one of those trip)?
How could he stay with her on the 3rd Jan. (and ignored my phone) after we just had good new year holiday together?
How could she move her stuff in his apartment just after I moved mine out for 2-3 weeks?
Etc...
When I don't think about those questions, I feel good like I am back to normal. I can laugh again. I can talk/chat to him normally with no pain. I have choices, but why select to make myself suffer. I don't really understand. I might be mad. I hate myself.
Today I spent my time with my female friend having face mask, good treatment for lady, and end up shopping at Central. I saw many nice looking guys in store and I told myself "Wow, I have never seen so many handsome guys at the same time before" Why is that? Because now I am available so I keep my eyes opened for new faces (even just for curious). I have never done this when I was in relationship. I have never searched for someone better than my man.
I always believe that you can't find for the best lover, you only get the better one. However, don't forget that everyone always has something better and worse than other, depend what you focus on and weight for. If you keep searching and start to compare the lover you have and the new potential one, the existing one will never win. Why is that? With your existing lover, you know all his/her good and bad thing. With the new potential one, you will only see good thing which must attract you to his/her. He/she may have more bad thing than your existing lover, but you won't see it or see but ignore it. Why? Becasue he/she has something that your existing one does not have. So, you decide to go ahead with new potential one. Couple years later if you don't stop searching, this cycle will happen again and will never stop.
From my observation in supermarket i see that even with "Sale" tag on, not many people will pick a pack of old meat. The fact of life is "Old meat never win when compete with fresh one".
You may argue that when someone keep searching that becasue something are missing from his/her relationship. True! But nothing is perfect, nor is relationship. There will be something missting in your new relationship as well. It is about how you value "something missing" vs."something you guys have together". Unfortunately, most of us spend time seeking for thing we miss rather than utilise time to enjoy what we already have.
Anyway, it happened and nothing I can do about it. It may seem to you guy that right now I can accept this fact of life, but trust me tomorrow I will ask myself those non-sense questions again and feel terrible. It will take a year to move to level 10 perhap.
See why I hate myself?
What? You hate me too? :) I know you don't.
Good night.
me
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Excuse me, I need privacy!
Hi there,
Have you noticed that it is harder to have privacy in present than in the past? I think we have lost of it. I can show you some invidences. However, what I am saying may only happened here in the "Land of Smiles".
1st Evidence: Sky train
If I was on sky train (BTS) and can't find at least one person on the phone, I would think it is an judgement day. You will see lot of people talking on the phone. It is ok if they talk quitely, but they don't. I can't believe that someone can talk out loud about their love story or their idoit boss in public. Sometimes I think I should say to him/her that , "Can I say something? I think you should dump your man. He is such a wanker". Sometimes I want to pick up my phone, call my friend and speak louder than that person, "You won't believe this! I am on BTS and today BTS has a live soap opera show on board. I am not lying to you. The actress is just next to me and she performs well".
2nd Evidence: Toilet
Can you imagine that someone will be on the phone when she is in the toilet peeing/pooing? Unbeliveable! This is rude and disgusting. People may not care whether how the other end feel when flushing sound is heard. What's about next door who is doing thing in private? Poor next door who has to keep her activity as quiet as she can.
I sometimes behave nastily, I make flushing noise as loud as possible when someone in the next room is talking on the phone. I want to send message to one she is talking to that "Hey mate! your friend is not available. She is peeing"
3rd Evidence: Mobile Phone
"Hello. Is that Khun Voice? Yes? good. My name is blahh blahh blahh, working for blahh blahh blahh bank. We would like to offer special interest rate to you if you would like to get cash advanced from our bank since we define you as our best customer. Do you want cash recently? Any plan to spend money?...... No need? That's is pity because interest is only 0.08%. .....still no? Why not just take this cash and consider later how you will use it since the rate is very low"
She kept convincing me that my decision to say no make me lose big opportunity. I had to end conversation by saying "I don't want cash, I have lot so why do I want to pay 0.08% for thing I don't want? Contact me again when I can get cash for free"
Sometimes this annoyance comes via sms, such as "Do you want to know how you life will be today? Call xxxxxx to listen to our fortune teller".
Come on! leave me alone. Bring back my privacy!
Nite nite,
me
Have you noticed that it is harder to have privacy in present than in the past? I think we have lost of it. I can show you some invidences. However, what I am saying may only happened here in the "Land of Smiles".
1st Evidence: Sky train
If I was on sky train (BTS) and can't find at least one person on the phone, I would think it is an judgement day. You will see lot of people talking on the phone. It is ok if they talk quitely, but they don't. I can't believe that someone can talk out loud about their love story or their idoit boss in public. Sometimes I think I should say to him/her that , "Can I say something? I think you should dump your man. He is such a wanker". Sometimes I want to pick up my phone, call my friend and speak louder than that person, "You won't believe this! I am on BTS and today BTS has a live soap opera show on board. I am not lying to you. The actress is just next to me and she performs well".
2nd Evidence: Toilet
Can you imagine that someone will be on the phone when she is in the toilet peeing/pooing? Unbeliveable! This is rude and disgusting. People may not care whether how the other end feel when flushing sound is heard. What's about next door who is doing thing in private? Poor next door who has to keep her activity as quiet as she can.
I sometimes behave nastily, I make flushing noise as loud as possible when someone in the next room is talking on the phone. I want to send message to one she is talking to that "Hey mate! your friend is not available. She is peeing"
3rd Evidence: Mobile Phone
"Hello. Is that Khun Voice? Yes? good. My name is blahh blahh blahh, working for blahh blahh blahh bank. We would like to offer special interest rate to you if you would like to get cash advanced from our bank since we define you as our best customer. Do you want cash recently? Any plan to spend money?...... No need? That's is pity because interest is only 0.08%. .....still no? Why not just take this cash and consider later how you will use it since the rate is very low"
She kept convincing me that my decision to say no make me lose big opportunity. I had to end conversation by saying "I don't want cash, I have lot so why do I want to pay 0.08% for thing I don't want? Contact me again when I can get cash for free"
Sometimes this annoyance comes via sms, such as "Do you want to know how you life will be today? Call xxxxxx to listen to our fortune teller".
Come on! leave me alone. Bring back my privacy!
Nite nite,
me
Sunday, February 7, 2010
One you love vs. one who loves you
Hi there,
Last Thurday, I was in a small birthday party at "Sod Sa-mo", a pub where its Thai name means "Single Club" or "Club of single people". It is a nice retro style place provides you yummy food and good live band.
Due to the pub name, we mostly talked about love.
I asked one female friend whether she has ever thought what if she said "Yes" when her ex bf propose to her +10 years ago. She said, "Yes, I have. I could see myself having couple children".
I asked her and another girl, "If you have to select, will you stay with one you love or one who loves you?" Surprisingly both of them said "At this age of mine, I will be with the one who loves me". One girl explained that "I was with the one I loved and I felt tired taking care of him and making him feel good with me. So, now I want someone to take care of me"
Ideally if we all can select, surely we want to be with one we love and get love back from that person. Unfortunately, life is not always fair. I don't know which choice I will choose when this happens. For now, I can say that it's nice to be love by someone so it is likely that I agree with both girls.
When you are with one who loves you (more than other girl), you will feel wanted, loved, cared, value and important. Your words are heard. Your sms get response. This will make you feel nice with yourself (doesn't mean "arrogant").
If you are with one you love (more than other guy), you will mostly feel low, lost, ignored, abandone and tired. You may think "although it's a bit painful to see him unhappy being with me, I am ok with that." Well, wait until you see him very happy when he is not with you. It isn't the same feeling, it is lot worse.
Although my love life has gone, I still think postively that once I was lucky enough to be with the one I loved and got love back from him (I really felt I was loved by him although it could be my big misunderstanding). I learnt to know the feeling of loving and being love. That was wonderful.
For me, great love is the love that allows you to love someone and still be able to be yourself.
Good night!
me
Last Thurday, I was in a small birthday party at "Sod Sa-mo", a pub where its Thai name means "Single Club" or "Club of single people". It is a nice retro style place provides you yummy food and good live band.
Due to the pub name, we mostly talked about love.
I asked one female friend whether she has ever thought what if she said "Yes" when her ex bf propose to her +10 years ago. She said, "Yes, I have. I could see myself having couple children".
I asked her and another girl, "If you have to select, will you stay with one you love or one who loves you?" Surprisingly both of them said "At this age of mine, I will be with the one who loves me". One girl explained that "I was with the one I loved and I felt tired taking care of him and making him feel good with me. So, now I want someone to take care of me"
Ideally if we all can select, surely we want to be with one we love and get love back from that person. Unfortunately, life is not always fair. I don't know which choice I will choose when this happens. For now, I can say that it's nice to be love by someone so it is likely that I agree with both girls.
When you are with one who loves you (more than other girl), you will feel wanted, loved, cared, value and important. Your words are heard. Your sms get response. This will make you feel nice with yourself (doesn't mean "arrogant").
If you are with one you love (more than other guy), you will mostly feel low, lost, ignored, abandone and tired. You may think "although it's a bit painful to see him unhappy being with me, I am ok with that." Well, wait until you see him very happy when he is not with you. It isn't the same feeling, it is lot worse.
Although my love life has gone, I still think postively that once I was lucky enough to be with the one I loved and got love back from him (I really felt I was loved by him although it could be my big misunderstanding). I learnt to know the feeling of loving and being love. That was wonderful.
For me, great love is the love that allows you to love someone and still be able to be yourself.
Good night!
me
Friday, February 5, 2010
Friday Syndrome
Hi there,
Sigh! It is Friday again. I hate it bcause it is now a depressing day for me. Although I spent my time running in the park, it didn't help at all.
When I was in relationship, Friday was the day that my ex and I would normally be together. We had nice dinner at nice place or sometimes he coooked. If we were in good mood, we went for dancing. It didn't matter how bad my week day was, I knew it would be gone when Friday came.
Now thing has been changed. Friday is not my day with him anymore. Yes, that's sad but a thought of him dating her on Friday makes me feel worse. I try not to think this way, try to delete this silly thought from my head, but yet successful. I must be seriously infected by Friday disease. I should be sent to I.C.U for emergency care.a
Presently, it doesn't matter how good my week day is, I know it would be gone when Friday come.
If anyone know how to cure this syndrome, please don't hesitate to let me know.
Nite nite,
me
Sigh! It is Friday again. I hate it bcause it is now a depressing day for me. Although I spent my time running in the park, it didn't help at all.
When I was in relationship, Friday was the day that my ex and I would normally be together. We had nice dinner at nice place or sometimes he coooked. If we were in good mood, we went for dancing. It didn't matter how bad my week day was, I knew it would be gone when Friday came.
Now thing has been changed. Friday is not my day with him anymore. Yes, that's sad but a thought of him dating her on Friday makes me feel worse. I try not to think this way, try to delete this silly thought from my head, but yet successful. I must be seriously infected by Friday disease. I should be sent to I.C.U for emergency care.a
Presently, it doesn't matter how good my week day is, I know it would be gone when Friday come.
If anyone know how to cure this syndrome, please don't hesitate to let me know.
Nite nite,
me
A dog and I
Hi there,
Do you know that a dog and I have something in common?
Yes, we do.
We both are "man's best friend"
Good night!
me
Do you know that a dog and I have something in common?
Yes, we do.
We both are "man's best friend"
Good night!
me
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Life is shuffled
Hi there,
Sleepy morning again. Why? I am telling you now.
Yesterday, I bought a lovely tiny iPod Shuffle and so excited to go back home ASAP to play with it. I started from reading the manual (as normal) with heart beating fast by excitement. When I finished reading, I plugged my iPod to my computer to charge battery and process other steps. Nothing happened! No way! This can't be happened to me! I tried again and again, changing USB port, closing iTune and re-opening it again, and all checking recommended by trouble shooting chapter. I gave up and decided to go to bed when it was midnight. I have to go back to the shop again today. Sigh!
While I was driving to work this morning and thinking about iPod problem last night, I realise that this is like our life that seem shuffled sometimes. As the Buddha said "Uncertainty is certainty. Certainty is uncertainty". You don't know what will really happen to you next hour, tomorrow, next month, next year or next 5 years. I bought my DSLR camera just for 5 months before I faced a problem with internal battery box while I was travelling. I would expect my new camera to work well for 5 years witout any problems. Or if I can force myself to accept that problem can happen anytime, I, sincerely wouldn't expect it to happen when I am on the trip. Travelling without camera is like waking up in morning without a cup of coffee (and your man beside you). Same for my iPod, I surely expected it to work functionally when I first used it. But, like I said, sometimes life is shuffled.
However, with iPod, you can select the mode to "Shuffle on", "Shuffle off" and "Turn Off". Can we do the same with our life?
First of all, we should not turn our life off completely (but I have to admit that I have thought of turning it off couple times). We can try to change our life mode to "Shuffle Off", but I don't think we can control it 100% or as easy as when we operate an iPod. You can try your best, but your best may not be good enough to other who involves.
What should we do with our shuffled life then? I don't know the right answer for everyone. I can't even find one for myself. I just think that if, with iPod, I can enjoy any song will be played next, why can't I feel the same with my life? All songs I put in playlist must be songs I like so order of playing should not be a matter because I will love them all. Same for life, isn't it? If what I have done is what I have choosed to do, can't I enjoy all consequences will be happened after? Yes, but not easy, I have to admit. Shuffled songs are beautiful so they are selected, but shuffled life can turn to be rotten as much as delightful. The only way I can be happy with shuffled life is I have to do "outcome analysis" of all choices I will make so that I can, at least, foresee what can happen. If the bad outcome happen, I will be prepare to deal with it or to accept it. It seems to be the only way I can manage my shuffled life, unfortunately.
I hope this iPod problem will not spoil my day. if compare with other problem happened to me, this is nothing.
Enjoy your shuffled life!
me
Sleepy morning again. Why? I am telling you now.
Yesterday, I bought a lovely tiny iPod Shuffle and so excited to go back home ASAP to play with it. I started from reading the manual (as normal) with heart beating fast by excitement. When I finished reading, I plugged my iPod to my computer to charge battery and process other steps. Nothing happened! No way! This can't be happened to me! I tried again and again, changing USB port, closing iTune and re-opening it again, and all checking recommended by trouble shooting chapter. I gave up and decided to go to bed when it was midnight. I have to go back to the shop again today. Sigh!
While I was driving to work this morning and thinking about iPod problem last night, I realise that this is like our life that seem shuffled sometimes. As the Buddha said "Uncertainty is certainty. Certainty is uncertainty". You don't know what will really happen to you next hour, tomorrow, next month, next year or next 5 years. I bought my DSLR camera just for 5 months before I faced a problem with internal battery box while I was travelling. I would expect my new camera to work well for 5 years witout any problems. Or if I can force myself to accept that problem can happen anytime, I, sincerely wouldn't expect it to happen when I am on the trip. Travelling without camera is like waking up in morning without a cup of coffee (and your man beside you). Same for my iPod, I surely expected it to work functionally when I first used it. But, like I said, sometimes life is shuffled.
However, with iPod, you can select the mode to "Shuffle on", "Shuffle off" and "Turn Off". Can we do the same with our life?
First of all, we should not turn our life off completely (but I have to admit that I have thought of turning it off couple times). We can try to change our life mode to "Shuffle Off", but I don't think we can control it 100% or as easy as when we operate an iPod. You can try your best, but your best may not be good enough to other who involves.
What should we do with our shuffled life then? I don't know the right answer for everyone. I can't even find one for myself. I just think that if, with iPod, I can enjoy any song will be played next, why can't I feel the same with my life? All songs I put in playlist must be songs I like so order of playing should not be a matter because I will love them all. Same for life, isn't it? If what I have done is what I have choosed to do, can't I enjoy all consequences will be happened after? Yes, but not easy, I have to admit. Shuffled songs are beautiful so they are selected, but shuffled life can turn to be rotten as much as delightful. The only way I can be happy with shuffled life is I have to do "outcome analysis" of all choices I will make so that I can, at least, foresee what can happen. If the bad outcome happen, I will be prepare to deal with it or to accept it. It seems to be the only way I can manage my shuffled life, unfortunately.
I hope this iPod problem will not spoil my day. if compare with other problem happened to me, this is nothing.
Enjoy your shuffled life!
me
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Security, for what?
Hi there,
I spent my Saturday to meet my old friend who I have not met for 4 years. We went to a party, not a drinking type one, outside Bangkok. It was very good atmosphere there, paddy field and river scenes. I really enjoyed it.
For a while after my friend left my house, she gave me a call.
"I had argument with secuity guard of your village. They asked me to open my car's trunk and I refused to do because they couldn't explain to me why", she said on the phone.
"Oh I forgot to tell you that it is procedure of my village security sytem that all visitors have to open the trunk", I explained to her.
"Yes, for what? I got my pass ticket stamped by you. I asked them whether they were afraid that I would steal sign posts and security guard said 'something like that'. I told them I didn't steal anything so why do I have to open the trunk" she kept complaining.
"I agree and disagree with you. By your logic, you don't steal so no need for anyone to check your car. But by their logic, anyone who refuse for inspection is suspect. I agree with you that if they don't know why they have to inspect the car's trunk, what's the point to inspect. What will they do if they see your computer there? Will they know it is yours or mine? Sometimes people just do what they asked to do without finding out why." I tried to calm her down.
"I told them they could call you to ask but they also refsed to do and talked to me badly." she said.
"Maybe they thought you started talking badly first. And, maybe you are the 10th visitors who refused for inspection and gave them hard time. You don't know. Anyway, no excuses for them to behave like that. I agree if you want to give management of my village a call, but make sure that they understand your point of complaints which are (1) security guard should be trained more to understand reasons for all rules so they will know what to do next, not just open the trunk and not even look inside, and (2) how to deal with various kinds of reaction properly. Don't make them misunderstand that you want them to exclude "trunk inspection' procedure. For me, it makes someone who wants to steal thinks twice. I may call mamagement myself to complain that why the security guard let visitor left the village still when she refused to open the trunk. Just because she made some argument?"
Yeah, my friend may behave improperly, but she is not the purpose that I post this blog entry. It is security system I want to talk about. Is it for show or for security really?
If you have been to MBK or other large malls, you will see a scanner installed at the entrance of the mall. Everyone who is walking in, has to walk pass this scanner. When I first saw it, I thought "wow, good security. no bomb for sure!". But when I heard beep noise (which normally that person will be re-check what causes the noise) and looked to see security guard reaction, I had to be disappointed. Security guard didn't do anything with it, not even take a look where the beep noise came from. I thought "what's the point to installed scanner here? Such money and energy wasting!"
My ex's apartment also has funny security system. All tenants have to register their finger print and everytime they want to get access to elevator lobby, they have to scan their finger. Wow sound like high security, does it means that outsider who doesn't have finger print registered cannot access to apartment floor? Nope, if you don't have your finger print register, just use service elevator which anyone can access. Ok, it is not really easy that anyone can access by service elevator because there are cameras wathcing you, but what if nobody looks at the security monitoring screen?
It happens here that government has installed thousands of security cameras at risky area, but when something bad happened and we want to see suspect from the tapes, what we hear is "Oh that camera is broken" or "Ummm...we run out of tape so nothing recorded".
Some security system here is just a joke and for show, making customers or tenants feel safe. My suggestion is you'd better trust and look after yourself.
xx
me
I spent my Saturday to meet my old friend who I have not met for 4 years. We went to a party, not a drinking type one, outside Bangkok. It was very good atmosphere there, paddy field and river scenes. I really enjoyed it.
For a while after my friend left my house, she gave me a call.
"I had argument with secuity guard of your village. They asked me to open my car's trunk and I refused to do because they couldn't explain to me why", she said on the phone.
"Oh I forgot to tell you that it is procedure of my village security sytem that all visitors have to open the trunk", I explained to her.
"Yes, for what? I got my pass ticket stamped by you. I asked them whether they were afraid that I would steal sign posts and security guard said 'something like that'. I told them I didn't steal anything so why do I have to open the trunk" she kept complaining.
"I agree and disagree with you. By your logic, you don't steal so no need for anyone to check your car. But by their logic, anyone who refuse for inspection is suspect. I agree with you that if they don't know why they have to inspect the car's trunk, what's the point to inspect. What will they do if they see your computer there? Will they know it is yours or mine? Sometimes people just do what they asked to do without finding out why." I tried to calm her down.
"I told them they could call you to ask but they also refsed to do and talked to me badly." she said.
"Maybe they thought you started talking badly first. And, maybe you are the 10th visitors who refused for inspection and gave them hard time. You don't know. Anyway, no excuses for them to behave like that. I agree if you want to give management of my village a call, but make sure that they understand your point of complaints which are (1) security guard should be trained more to understand reasons for all rules so they will know what to do next, not just open the trunk and not even look inside, and (2) how to deal with various kinds of reaction properly. Don't make them misunderstand that you want them to exclude "trunk inspection' procedure. For me, it makes someone who wants to steal thinks twice. I may call mamagement myself to complain that why the security guard let visitor left the village still when she refused to open the trunk. Just because she made some argument?"
Yeah, my friend may behave improperly, but she is not the purpose that I post this blog entry. It is security system I want to talk about. Is it for show or for security really?
If you have been to MBK or other large malls, you will see a scanner installed at the entrance of the mall. Everyone who is walking in, has to walk pass this scanner. When I first saw it, I thought "wow, good security. no bomb for sure!". But when I heard beep noise (which normally that person will be re-check what causes the noise) and looked to see security guard reaction, I had to be disappointed. Security guard didn't do anything with it, not even take a look where the beep noise came from. I thought "what's the point to installed scanner here? Such money and energy wasting!"
My ex's apartment also has funny security system. All tenants have to register their finger print and everytime they want to get access to elevator lobby, they have to scan their finger. Wow sound like high security, does it means that outsider who doesn't have finger print registered cannot access to apartment floor? Nope, if you don't have your finger print register, just use service elevator which anyone can access. Ok, it is not really easy that anyone can access by service elevator because there are cameras wathcing you, but what if nobody looks at the security monitoring screen?
It happens here that government has installed thousands of security cameras at risky area, but when something bad happened and we want to see suspect from the tapes, what we hear is "Oh that camera is broken" or "Ummm...we run out of tape so nothing recorded".
Some security system here is just a joke and for show, making customers or tenants feel safe. My suggestion is you'd better trust and look after yourself.
xx
me
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I love him, but I hate him too
Hi there,
Waking up with headache this morning as I drank more than my drinking standard last night at a party. I hope people there think I enjoyed the party although I didn't. However, getting drunk does not help to make you overcome from your problem. It may help you to forget something for a short while, but when you wake up and find yourself alone in your own bed on Saturday morning, you will back to feel bad again.
Recently, as you may know I have been struggled with 2 contrast feelings, "love" and "hate" and will be like this for a while (hopefully a short while).
I love him by the way he made me felt strong, competent and valued.
I hate him by the way he makes me feel lost and low.
I love him by the way he made me felt needed.
I hate him by the way he makes me feel unwanted.
I love him when he showed his caring for me, how much he adored me.
I hate him when sometimes he treats me like a trash or usually judge me playing a game.
I love him when he pushes me to go beyond my ability.
I hate him when he pushes me out of his way.
I love him when he touched me softly while I was sleeping.
I hate him when I think he is doing that to her now.
I love him when he talks and thinks smartly.
I hate him when we could not share smart discussion as often as before.
I love him that he did allow me to behave the way I am.
I hate him that he makes me not be myself and be struggled how to behave in some situations.
I love him when he kisses my forehead.
I hate him when he kisses her lips.
I love to see his smile in a picture.
I hate to see, in that picture, she is next to him .
I love to have a chance to love him the way I want again
I hate to accept that it won't happen.
xx
me
Waking up with headache this morning as I drank more than my drinking standard last night at a party. I hope people there think I enjoyed the party although I didn't. However, getting drunk does not help to make you overcome from your problem. It may help you to forget something for a short while, but when you wake up and find yourself alone in your own bed on Saturday morning, you will back to feel bad again.
Recently, as you may know I have been struggled with 2 contrast feelings, "love" and "hate" and will be like this for a while (hopefully a short while).
I love him by the way he made me felt strong, competent and valued.
I hate him by the way he makes me feel lost and low.
I love him by the way he made me felt needed.
I hate him by the way he makes me feel unwanted.
I love him when he showed his caring for me, how much he adored me.
I hate him when sometimes he treats me like a trash or usually judge me playing a game.
I love him when he pushes me to go beyond my ability.
I hate him when he pushes me out of his way.
I love him when he touched me softly while I was sleeping.
I hate him when I think he is doing that to her now.
I love him when he talks and thinks smartly.
I hate him when we could not share smart discussion as often as before.
I love him that he did allow me to behave the way I am.
I hate him that he makes me not be myself and be struggled how to behave in some situations.
I love him when he kisses my forehead.
I hate him when he kisses her lips.
I love to see his smile in a picture.
I hate to see, in that picture, she is next to him .
I love to have a chance to love him the way I want again
I hate to accept that it won't happen.
xx
me
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Speechless day!
Hi,
I have thought that I could deal with breaking up pretty well and seems like I will overcome soon until something happened today that showed I was wrong.
Today my ex and I were with a group of people. He was asked about his girlfriend and he replied in front of me. I felt like thunder was striking over my head. It was so hurtful to hear him promptly and proudly response to that question. I didn't know what to do at that moment, but pinching myself not to cry or not bursting in tear. I wanted to immediately run out and cried out loud, but could not. Hope nobody could notice my reaction.
This proves that I am not even closed to the state of "complete overcoming"
How long will this pain be with me? I completely understand why the Vice President of Samsung in Korea jumped from the building today. Maybe he thought it is the easiest and quickest way to end his pain, no matter what causes it.
How should I end mine?
I have thought that I could deal with breaking up pretty well and seems like I will overcome soon until something happened today that showed I was wrong.
Today my ex and I were with a group of people. He was asked about his girlfriend and he replied in front of me. I felt like thunder was striking over my head. It was so hurtful to hear him promptly and proudly response to that question. I didn't know what to do at that moment, but pinching myself not to cry or not bursting in tear. I wanted to immediately run out and cried out loud, but could not. Hope nobody could notice my reaction.
This proves that I am not even closed to the state of "complete overcoming"
How long will this pain be with me? I completely understand why the Vice President of Samsung in Korea jumped from the building today. Maybe he thought it is the easiest and quickest way to end his pain, no matter what causes it.
How should I end mine?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Intellectual charm vs. physical charm
Hi,
I stay up till late at night again although I told myself I would go to bed early tonight because I felt tired from running. A HBO movie about Winston Churchill kept me awake. The scene that touched me was not political scenes, but about him and his wife. I am not sure what presented in the film is true or added, but it tells me that for long lasting relationship you need more than sexual feeling or desire, but friendship.
Today, I was in the seminar about the National Health Act. In this act, it talks about being either physically, mentally, intellectually or socially healthy. These 2 words hit me "intellectual" and "physical"
I assess myself whether I am healthy by those 4 categoies mentioned in the act, especially "intellectual" and "physical". And if I use these 2 categories to define "charm", which one do I have?
Ummm...I think my charm is more intellectual than physical one. I am not meaning that I am so smart, but just want to say that I am not a sport type of person. I love to analyse why and how thing happened (caused by too much watching of CSI perhaps). I love to wisely discuss about various topics with friends. Smart thinking type of person always attracts me. Is anyone attracted to me by my intellectual charm? I think my ex was. He told me he enjoyed hearing my wise thought and I am sure he still does. But priority of charm that meaningful to him is just changed.
My ex is a sport man and has been so into marathon since last year. I am not wondered if he will value physical ability more than intellectual one. Whoever has physical ability could be very charming to him. Unfortunately, not me. Maybe that is why he was impressed by a girl he met early last year who is a marathon runner and eventually becomes his girlfriend. I am not sure whether she has both physical and intellectual charm but she gets him. (This is just normal me analysing about my ended relationship for nothing, but my own curiousity. It can be right or wrong. Only my ex knows.)
Now you may ask, "Is that why you start running? Do you want to have physical charm?" Wrong. I initially decided to run so that my ex and I, at that time, would have one more thing in common apart from work. I don't want to be a marathon runner to compete with his girl because I know I will never win. Actually, I started to run to prove that I can do anything if I want to or if I believe I can do. Being healthier is another reason.
Bedtime now, nite nite
Me
I stay up till late at night again although I told myself I would go to bed early tonight because I felt tired from running. A HBO movie about Winston Churchill kept me awake. The scene that touched me was not political scenes, but about him and his wife. I am not sure what presented in the film is true or added, but it tells me that for long lasting relationship you need more than sexual feeling or desire, but friendship.
Today, I was in the seminar about the National Health Act. In this act, it talks about being either physically, mentally, intellectually or socially healthy. These 2 words hit me "intellectual" and "physical"
I assess myself whether I am healthy by those 4 categoies mentioned in the act, especially "intellectual" and "physical". And if I use these 2 categories to define "charm", which one do I have?
Ummm...I think my charm is more intellectual than physical one. I am not meaning that I am so smart, but just want to say that I am not a sport type of person. I love to analyse why and how thing happened (caused by too much watching of CSI perhaps). I love to wisely discuss about various topics with friends. Smart thinking type of person always attracts me. Is anyone attracted to me by my intellectual charm? I think my ex was. He told me he enjoyed hearing my wise thought and I am sure he still does. But priority of charm that meaningful to him is just changed.
My ex is a sport man and has been so into marathon since last year. I am not wondered if he will value physical ability more than intellectual one. Whoever has physical ability could be very charming to him. Unfortunately, not me. Maybe that is why he was impressed by a girl he met early last year who is a marathon runner and eventually becomes his girlfriend. I am not sure whether she has both physical and intellectual charm but she gets him. (This is just normal me analysing about my ended relationship for nothing, but my own curiousity. It can be right or wrong. Only my ex knows.)
Now you may ask, "Is that why you start running? Do you want to have physical charm?" Wrong. I initially decided to run so that my ex and I, at that time, would have one more thing in common apart from work. I don't want to be a marathon runner to compete with his girl because I know I will never win. Actually, I started to run to prove that I can do anything if I want to or if I believe I can do. Being healthier is another reason.
Bedtime now, nite nite
Me
Monday, January 25, 2010
What love is...
Hi there,
Have you ever questioned what love is? I am sure eveyone has, at least once in his/her life. In my opinion, meaning of love is different for each individual depend on type and background of person, time, gender, situation and age. There are many types of love. Love for your lover, love for your friends, love for your parent, love for your children etc.
Let's talk about love between man and woman.
When I was a lot younger, my definition of love is "a good feeling to someone and just being happy to have a chance to see him everyday without conversation". When I am grown up, loving someone is to have strong feeling to him, a guy who I enjoy talking with, sharing my opinion and has something I am proud of. Strong feeling means he is someone I always think of and want to share every successful or failed moment with. He is someone I will be happier to be with than to be without. His face is the last thing I love to see before I fall asleep and be the first thing I enjoy to see in the morning when I wake up. However, it is not easy if you want to define what love really is.
I love my man although I can't explain why. I just feel so. He is my best friend. He is my advisor. He is my older brother and sometimes behaves like my younger brother. He makes me mad. He makes me sad. He makes me happy. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh out loud. Nobody can handle me the way he does. That's why I could lose him as a boyfriend, but can't lose my best friend. If I can't love him the way I want, I will love him the way he wants.
Friendship = relationship - sex
Let's see how other see or think of love.
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." Lao Tzu
"But whether it be dream or truth, to do well is what matters. If it be truth, for truth's sake. If not, then to gain friends for the time when we awaken." Pedro Calderon de la Barca
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." Albert Einstein
"I like not only to be loved, but to be told I am loved." George Eliot
"Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' Erich Fromm
"Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit." Kahlil Gibran
"Love is being stupid together." Paul Valery
"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." Aristotle
"Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs." William Shakespeare
"Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop." H.L.Mencken
"Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another." H.L.Mencken
"Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the old." John Ciardi
"Sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence." David Byrne
"Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye." H.Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." Tom Robbins
"Don't waste your time to define "love", but to love." Voice from a Thai woman
xx
Me
Have you ever questioned what love is? I am sure eveyone has, at least once in his/her life. In my opinion, meaning of love is different for each individual depend on type and background of person, time, gender, situation and age. There are many types of love. Love for your lover, love for your friends, love for your parent, love for your children etc.
Let's talk about love between man and woman.
When I was a lot younger, my definition of love is "a good feeling to someone and just being happy to have a chance to see him everyday without conversation". When I am grown up, loving someone is to have strong feeling to him, a guy who I enjoy talking with, sharing my opinion and has something I am proud of. Strong feeling means he is someone I always think of and want to share every successful or failed moment with. He is someone I will be happier to be with than to be without. His face is the last thing I love to see before I fall asleep and be the first thing I enjoy to see in the morning when I wake up. However, it is not easy if you want to define what love really is.
I love my man although I can't explain why. I just feel so. He is my best friend. He is my advisor. He is my older brother and sometimes behaves like my younger brother. He makes me mad. He makes me sad. He makes me happy. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh out loud. Nobody can handle me the way he does. That's why I could lose him as a boyfriend, but can't lose my best friend. If I can't love him the way I want, I will love him the way he wants.
Friendship = relationship - sex
Let's see how other see or think of love.
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." Lao Tzu
"But whether it be dream or truth, to do well is what matters. If it be truth, for truth's sake. If not, then to gain friends for the time when we awaken." Pedro Calderon de la Barca
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." Albert Einstein
"I like not only to be loved, but to be told I am loved." George Eliot
"Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' Erich Fromm
"Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit." Kahlil Gibran
"Love is being stupid together." Paul Valery
"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." Aristotle
"Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs." William Shakespeare
"Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop." H.L.Mencken
"Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another." H.L.Mencken
"Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the old." John Ciardi
"Sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence." David Byrne
"Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye." H.Jackson Brown, Jr.
"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." Tom Robbins
"Don't waste your time to define "love", but to love." Voice from a Thai woman
xx
Me
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Be my own advisor
Hi there,
How are you? How was your weekend? I drove to see my parents who lives in countryside. When you feel bad, it is good to spend time with someone who you know that they unconditionally love you. It makes you feel nice to see how much someone is happy to see you. This feeling can cheers you up from problem you are facing. I took my dad for massage and we both had good time. Later, dad, mom and myself had good dinner together. I slept nicely end of the day.
This make me remember when one of my staff gave me a call last year after her relationship ended for couple months. She was crying and telling me she couldn't focus on her work. She didn't want to do anything at all. She felt like she didn't want to live anymore.
"I feel pity with my time loving him. I feel sad that I also lost good friend", she said.
"You didn't waste your time. If he does not love you as a lover, he can be your good friend still." , I tried to cheer her up.
"Don't even think about suicide. He will feel bad for a while and that's it. Why do you want to die for someone who doesn't love you the way you want? Why keep thinking of him? Why not focus on someone who cares for you always? I think you should take days off and take your parent travelling somewhere.", I added.
I can't believe that a year later all those words I said to her will come back to me like echo.
I met my ex last Friday. Yes, we are still be good friend, friendship is only one thing left for us. He said it seems like I can handle this problem better than him. Words stuck in my mouth and not spoken out were "I wish I had better other choices. I must find the way to survive from this Tsunami of my life without getting crazy and having you as my best friend". He tried to avoid talking about problem but I did the opposite. I think I have to face it if I want to overcome . I told him he may feel terrible with this circumstance but it is the consequence from choice he has made so he had to accept it.
The motto I reminds myself everyday is "Every exit is always the entrance to somewhere else"
Take care,
It's me.
How are you? How was your weekend? I drove to see my parents who lives in countryside. When you feel bad, it is good to spend time with someone who you know that they unconditionally love you. It makes you feel nice to see how much someone is happy to see you. This feeling can cheers you up from problem you are facing. I took my dad for massage and we both had good time. Later, dad, mom and myself had good dinner together. I slept nicely end of the day.
This make me remember when one of my staff gave me a call last year after her relationship ended for couple months. She was crying and telling me she couldn't focus on her work. She didn't want to do anything at all. She felt like she didn't want to live anymore.
"I feel pity with my time loving him. I feel sad that I also lost good friend", she said.
"You didn't waste your time. If he does not love you as a lover, he can be your good friend still." , I tried to cheer her up.
"Don't even think about suicide. He will feel bad for a while and that's it. Why do you want to die for someone who doesn't love you the way you want? Why keep thinking of him? Why not focus on someone who cares for you always? I think you should take days off and take your parent travelling somewhere.", I added.
I can't believe that a year later all those words I said to her will come back to me like echo.
I met my ex last Friday. Yes, we are still be good friend, friendship is only one thing left for us. He said it seems like I can handle this problem better than him. Words stuck in my mouth and not spoken out were "I wish I had better other choices. I must find the way to survive from this Tsunami of my life without getting crazy and having you as my best friend". He tried to avoid talking about problem but I did the opposite. I think I have to face it if I want to overcome . I told him he may feel terrible with this circumstance but it is the consequence from choice he has made so he had to accept it.
The motto I reminds myself everyday is "Every exit is always the entrance to somewhere else"
Take care,
It's me.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Live your life
Hi there,
On the date of 21st last month, I was told by my man that he was interested in a girl who he really like. I was informed that he would organise Christmas party at his apartment, but he couldn't invite me because the girl he really like would be there. Later I knew that he and she cooked for everyone. So, we officially broke up. There were some signs of termination before, but it was confirmed on that day. Well, when he wanted to move on (with another girl), I had to move out, but unprepared.
My friend suggested to me that I should talk about achievement I have made more than bad feeling. I understand that he wanted me to focus on positive thing, rather than negative one. But, that is life, good time and bad time alternately. We can't really control our life because it is not just us that included, but other parties life also. We may be able to control our part, but you can't control other's. Life is uncertainty and sometimes seems unfair. Some people luckily have more good time than bad one. Some people are opposite. For me, I used to be in the first group, but recently joined the second one. Although I can accept that my relationship ended by reasons, it hurts still. What I can do now is "try" to be normal and live my life, the way I can feel happy again.
I was thinking about "to live my life" and found that I did so many things in the past, like painting, reading, joining workshops making handmade stuff, knitting etc. I realised that I did so many acitivities to fill my free time because I was not involved in any relationship. Did I enjoy to live my life like that? Yes, I was happy, at that circumstance. As the result, these activities I did made my man, at that time thought I was an interesting person.
When I got involved in my last relationship, I enjoyed being with my man so my life was about planning to do something with him when I had free time. I felt like every Friday was my New Year holiday. Doing nothing, but seeing him on Saturday was like heaven. Those activities I did in the past were not attractive to me anymore. So, it was faded out one by one. Was it the good way to live my life? Yes, it was good and I was happy, again at that circumstance. Unfortunately, it made me less interesting after I became a doing-nothing lady and attached too much to only one thing. When I lost what I attached to, I felt like I had nothing left. That's why I feel so painful. However, if you ask me whether I would live my life differently in case I had a chance to go back to my past. My answer will be "No".
This makes me think whether we should admire people by number of activities they have done (or how many clubs they have joined) or we should admire them by the way they enjoy those activities (even if it is just a single dull one that can't be called "activity"). If she is happy to spend all her free time for her man or to look after her kids/parent, why shouldn't she be admired?
However, I have to make sure that the reason I plan to do so many things again at this moment is just to make myself happy with current circumstance, not to compete with anyone. Will it make anyone admire me? I don't know, it is beyond my control.
This blog entry may sound sad again. Please be patient. When my happy day comes, you will see happy story in this blog.
xx
It's me
On the date of 21st last month, I was told by my man that he was interested in a girl who he really like. I was informed that he would organise Christmas party at his apartment, but he couldn't invite me because the girl he really like would be there. Later I knew that he and she cooked for everyone. So, we officially broke up. There were some signs of termination before, but it was confirmed on that day. Well, when he wanted to move on (with another girl), I had to move out, but unprepared.
My friend suggested to me that I should talk about achievement I have made more than bad feeling. I understand that he wanted me to focus on positive thing, rather than negative one. But, that is life, good time and bad time alternately. We can't really control our life because it is not just us that included, but other parties life also. We may be able to control our part, but you can't control other's. Life is uncertainty and sometimes seems unfair. Some people luckily have more good time than bad one. Some people are opposite. For me, I used to be in the first group, but recently joined the second one. Although I can accept that my relationship ended by reasons, it hurts still. What I can do now is "try" to be normal and live my life, the way I can feel happy again.
I was thinking about "to live my life" and found that I did so many things in the past, like painting, reading, joining workshops making handmade stuff, knitting etc. I realised that I did so many acitivities to fill my free time because I was not involved in any relationship. Did I enjoy to live my life like that? Yes, I was happy, at that circumstance. As the result, these activities I did made my man, at that time thought I was an interesting person.
When I got involved in my last relationship, I enjoyed being with my man so my life was about planning to do something with him when I had free time. I felt like every Friday was my New Year holiday. Doing nothing, but seeing him on Saturday was like heaven. Those activities I did in the past were not attractive to me anymore. So, it was faded out one by one. Was it the good way to live my life? Yes, it was good and I was happy, again at that circumstance. Unfortunately, it made me less interesting after I became a doing-nothing lady and attached too much to only one thing. When I lost what I attached to, I felt like I had nothing left. That's why I feel so painful. However, if you ask me whether I would live my life differently in case I had a chance to go back to my past. My answer will be "No".
This makes me think whether we should admire people by number of activities they have done (or how many clubs they have joined) or we should admire them by the way they enjoy those activities (even if it is just a single dull one that can't be called "activity"). If she is happy to spend all her free time for her man or to look after her kids/parent, why shouldn't she be admired?
However, I have to make sure that the reason I plan to do so many things again at this moment is just to make myself happy with current circumstance, not to compete with anyone. Will it make anyone admire me? I don't know, it is beyond my control.
This blog entry may sound sad again. Please be patient. When my happy day comes, you will see happy story in this blog.
xx
It's me
I did it!
Hi there,
After almost 2 months of running in Lumpinee park about 2-3 times a week, I did a full loop running for the first time last night. Yes, I did it!
This is one of acheivement I have set for this year. First step of this acheivement actually because I expect to be able to run 5 km. without a break. So, reaching 2.5 km. is an impressive semi-final target. Anyway, I got help from my friend who ran beside me and encouraged me.
It was difficult for me to complete the full loop. Not due to physical condition, but my mind. I have a feeling that my mind loves to play game with me. Everytime I run and reach 1 km. line, my mind starts to tell me "You can't run any further. This distance is the best you can do" and then I immediately feel exhuasted and my legs lose energy. It is such a mind game I have to play, not physical challenge.
I later learnt to trick my mind, I start my running at different point each time so that 1 km. point is changed. It works a bit, but still cannot run further than 1.2 km. What is the problem? What does stop me?
Last week, my friend offered to help me. He ran with me and pushed (actually, forced) me to keep running. I found that although I ran for 1 km. and walk for another 4km, I could run for another 1.3 km. Ahh I see what my problem is. I fail in the mind game. I cannot force myself to do what I don't believe I can do. I have never tried to go beyond (what I think) my capability.
This remind me of my time in the Executive Leadership course I attended couple years ago. I had to do outdoor activities. FYI, I am not (or I, again think I am not) an outdoor type of person. One of outdoor activity really touched and scared me was "How far you think you can jump?" We were divided into teams. Each team had to make highest score from accumulated distance each team member can jump. Yeah sound easy if it wasn't jumping from one skinny platform to another tiny one and both platform are about 8 m. height.
After almost 2 months of running in Lumpinee park about 2-3 times a week, I did a full loop running for the first time last night. Yes, I did it!
This is one of acheivement I have set for this year. First step of this acheivement actually because I expect to be able to run 5 km. without a break. So, reaching 2.5 km. is an impressive semi-final target. Anyway, I got help from my friend who ran beside me and encouraged me.
It was difficult for me to complete the full loop. Not due to physical condition, but my mind. I have a feeling that my mind loves to play game with me. Everytime I run and reach 1 km. line, my mind starts to tell me "You can't run any further. This distance is the best you can do" and then I immediately feel exhuasted and my legs lose energy. It is such a mind game I have to play, not physical challenge.
I later learnt to trick my mind, I start my running at different point each time so that 1 km. point is changed. It works a bit, but still cannot run further than 1.2 km. What is the problem? What does stop me?
Last week, my friend offered to help me. He ran with me and pushed (actually, forced) me to keep running. I found that although I ran for 1 km. and walk for another 4km, I could run for another 1.3 km. Ahh I see what my problem is. I fail in the mind game. I cannot force myself to do what I don't believe I can do. I have never tried to go beyond (what I think) my capability.
This remind me of my time in the Executive Leadership course I attended couple years ago. I had to do outdoor activities. FYI, I am not (or I, again think I am not) an outdoor type of person. One of outdoor activity really touched and scared me was "How far you think you can jump?" We were divided into teams. Each team had to make highest score from accumulated distance each team member can jump. Yeah sound easy if it wasn't jumping from one skinny platform to another tiny one and both platform are about 8 m. height.
(I wasn't in this picture, I took it)
Everyone was asked "How far do you think you can jump?" because the instructor then would make the gap between 2 platforms to meet that distance. "0.60 m." was my answer. It took a long time for me to jump from platform A (on the left in the picture) to the platform B (on the right of the picture). When I finally on platform B, I was told that I had to jump back to platform A. OMG! platform B was on a single pole. My legs were shaking and so was the pole. I thought I couldn't do that and about to cry. My legs still couldn't move. I was told that I had choice to climb down the pole if I felt I couldn't jump back. My team mate kept saying "You can do it! Jump! You can do it!" So after minutes standing at 8 m. above ground with my shaking legs, I decided to jump.
"I can do it! I am alive!" I gave instructor big hug.
When I got back to the left platform, the intructor asked me "Do you know how far you jumped?".
"60 cm" I said.
"No, it was 80 cm." he told me.
"Noway, I saw you make it 60 cm. when I jumped from here to there", I agrued.
"Yes, but I made space bigger later" He said.
Ahh, I quickly realised that when I jumped to the platform B and was facing to other direction, he moved the left platform a bit bigger than I asked for but I didn't know that. So to my mind, it was 60 cm. still.
"This is not about how big the space for you to jump. As long as you think it is within your capability, you will be able to do it. You can see that sometimes you can do beyond what you think you can"
Yes such a mind game. It is an art how to set target vs your capability. Sometimes you need someone to trick you or push you to go beyond just to let you see your real capability. This is what my friend did for me last week and yesterday. Thank you very much to let me know that I can go further.
Now I start thinking what my real or actual capabilities are. Gotta find out!
xx
It's me
Everyone was asked "How far do you think you can jump?" because the instructor then would make the gap between 2 platforms to meet that distance. "0.60 m." was my answer. It took a long time for me to jump from platform A (on the left in the picture) to the platform B (on the right of the picture). When I finally on platform B, I was told that I had to jump back to platform A. OMG! platform B was on a single pole. My legs were shaking and so was the pole. I thought I couldn't do that and about to cry. My legs still couldn't move. I was told that I had choice to climb down the pole if I felt I couldn't jump back. My team mate kept saying "You can do it! Jump! You can do it!" So after minutes standing at 8 m. above ground with my shaking legs, I decided to jump.
"I can do it! I am alive!" I gave instructor big hug.
When I got back to the left platform, the intructor asked me "Do you know how far you jumped?".
"60 cm" I said.
"No, it was 80 cm." he told me.
"Noway, I saw you make it 60 cm. when I jumped from here to there", I agrued.
"Yes, but I made space bigger later" He said.
Ahh, I quickly realised that when I jumped to the platform B and was facing to other direction, he moved the left platform a bit bigger than I asked for but I didn't know that. So to my mind, it was 60 cm. still.
"This is not about how big the space for you to jump. As long as you think it is within your capability, you will be able to do it. You can see that sometimes you can do beyond what you think you can"
Yes such a mind game. It is an art how to set target vs your capability. Sometimes you need someone to trick you or push you to go beyond just to let you see your real capability. This is what my friend did for me last week and yesterday. Thank you very much to let me know that I can go further.
Now I start thinking what my real or actual capabilities are. Gotta find out!
xx
It's me
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Negative Power of Rejection
Hi there,
Yes, what happened to me after New Year holiday makes me feel "rejected". It does not matter whether what I felt is right or wrong, the fact is I felt "rejected".
I shared my problem with a friend of mine and he recommended that I should read about negative power of rejection. "When you understand negative power of rejection, you will overcome this feeling", he said.
I thought "He must be mad!. At this situation, he supposed to make me be able to find positive thing from bad situation, doesn't he?"
Anyway, although I did not really understand what he really meant, I search in google. OMG! I have got 4,070,000 results (including 98,800 results about power supply rejection. Who wants to know about it huh?). Wow! Is this common problem of humanity? Since ice age perhap? I started to feel "Ahhh, it is not just me."
I read some articles and found they were very useful and cheering. Anyone who feels rejected, but has opened mind can quickly understand how this thing happens and how to deal with it.
One article says, "Rejection generally conveys the same messages of non-acceptance such as: There is something wrong with you, you are disliked, you will never change, you do not belong in this group, you are at fault / you did something wrong, or unacceptable, You are not one of us." Yes, right, I was conveyed by some of those messages. "Interesting", I thought and kept reading it.
It says, "To avoid internalizing your experience of rejection, you must proactively make a choice to face your fears, as well as express and share your experience no matter how shameful." I agreed. I did the right thing to share it with my friends (who I can trust, of course). It helps lots.
It says, "my response to you is to focus on your potential, not on the condemning messages of what you did or did not do." Ok, what are my potentials? So I list of things I have potential to do and started to focus on them.
Another article says, "Depression is nothing more than a message sent by your mind to tell you that there is a very big possibility that you won’t be able to get something that you really wanted." Ahh, I see. I wanted someone or want to keep someone with me forever and it seemed like I would not get it so I felt depressed. Understandable!
This article talks about steps to getting over. The first step is to accept it. "Acceptance only happens when all hope is lost, that’s why people accept the death of their loved ones but hardly accept breakups!! As long as you have a 1% hope or even less you won’t be able to move on to the next step and depression will accompany you." Ahh, I see. Don't hope. Don't interprete his kindness to the wrong way.
It says, "Stop visualizing your Ex,..." I cannot do that, too painful not to see him at all. I'd better skip this advice ".. (stop) listening to romantic music,.." Ok, this one is easy. "... (stop) going to the places you used to go to together.." I have to quit my job then if I have to stop going to those places. Skip is! (unless I find better job) "... and get rid of the gifts he bought you." Really? Can't I keep some with me? Skip this advice as well.
It says, "Finally the depression experienced after a breakup is nothing more than loss of hope mixed with a little amount of hope, kill this hope, remind yourself that there are alternatives and even work on finding one and your breakup depression will disappear."
I think that what said in these articles is simple and realistic. We just cannot think of it. When I faced the problem, I admitted that it felt like end of the world. I promptly understood why people decide to commit suicide, not because I thought to do so. Once when I can see that this is a simple problem that can happen to anyone anytime, I can accept it more and be able to deal with it better. However, it doesn't mean I can live with it happily with no more crying.
Now, I understand what my friend meant to tell me. Thank you dear.
It's me
Yes, what happened to me after New Year holiday makes me feel "rejected". It does not matter whether what I felt is right or wrong, the fact is I felt "rejected".
I shared my problem with a friend of mine and he recommended that I should read about negative power of rejection. "When you understand negative power of rejection, you will overcome this feeling", he said.
I thought "He must be mad!. At this situation, he supposed to make me be able to find positive thing from bad situation, doesn't he?"
Anyway, although I did not really understand what he really meant, I search in google. OMG! I have got 4,070,000 results (including 98,800 results about power supply rejection. Who wants to know about it huh?). Wow! Is this common problem of humanity? Since ice age perhap? I started to feel "Ahhh, it is not just me."
I read some articles and found they were very useful and cheering. Anyone who feels rejected, but has opened mind can quickly understand how this thing happens and how to deal with it.
One article says, "Rejection generally conveys the same messages of non-acceptance such as: There is something wrong with you, you are disliked, you will never change, you do not belong in this group, you are at fault / you did something wrong, or unacceptable, You are not one of us." Yes, right, I was conveyed by some of those messages. "Interesting", I thought and kept reading it.
It says, "To avoid internalizing your experience of rejection, you must proactively make a choice to face your fears, as well as express and share your experience no matter how shameful." I agreed. I did the right thing to share it with my friends (who I can trust, of course). It helps lots.
It says, "my response to you is to focus on your potential, not on the condemning messages of what you did or did not do." Ok, what are my potentials? So I list of things I have potential to do and started to focus on them.
Another article says, "Depression is nothing more than a message sent by your mind to tell you that there is a very big possibility that you won’t be able to get something that you really wanted." Ahh, I see. I wanted someone or want to keep someone with me forever and it seemed like I would not get it so I felt depressed. Understandable!
This article talks about steps to getting over. The first step is to accept it. "Acceptance only happens when all hope is lost, that’s why people accept the death of their loved ones but hardly accept breakups!! As long as you have a 1% hope or even less you won’t be able to move on to the next step and depression will accompany you." Ahh, I see. Don't hope. Don't interprete his kindness to the wrong way.
It says, "Stop visualizing your Ex,..." I cannot do that, too painful not to see him at all. I'd better skip this advice ".. (stop) listening to romantic music,.." Ok, this one is easy. "... (stop) going to the places you used to go to together.." I have to quit my job then if I have to stop going to those places. Skip is! (unless I find better job) "... and get rid of the gifts he bought you." Really? Can't I keep some with me? Skip this advice as well.
It says, "Finally the depression experienced after a breakup is nothing more than loss of hope mixed with a little amount of hope, kill this hope, remind yourself that there are alternatives and even work on finding one and your breakup depression will disappear."
I think that what said in these articles is simple and realistic. We just cannot think of it. When I faced the problem, I admitted that it felt like end of the world. I promptly understood why people decide to commit suicide, not because I thought to do so. Once when I can see that this is a simple problem that can happen to anyone anytime, I can accept it more and be able to deal with it better. However, it doesn't mean I can live with it happily with no more crying.
Now, I understand what my friend meant to tell me. Thank you dear.
It's me
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Can I introduce my "Voice from a Thai Woman" blog?
Hi there,
Please let me introduce myself. I am a 40 something Thai woman with a decent work. I am a single woman who has just broken up from almost 5 years relationship. Hang on! I am not here to find a new boyfriend. I just want to find the way to keep myself calm and booked with something. Moreover writing is something I love as well as travelling, photographing and chatting :)
This reminds me about my old time when I had my own web page sharing my opinion how I saw the world to the world and I had many readers. It's great to get a chance to do writing again although it is just as a diary of myself.
What happened recently with me teachs me how importance friends are. It make me think of a quote I loved in the past; "Friends are like stars. Not always seen, but always there". They are someone I don't think of when I am happy. I know my friends would not mind that, but I should not only call them when I need a sholder to cry on. They should be able to hear my happy stories as well. Anyway, one thing shocks me, I don't have a lot of friends who I can call "friends". Less than 5, OMG!.
This will make a big change in my life. Yes, I am 40 something. It sound too late to make a big change, but sooner is better, isn't it? I have to manage my life better. I have to find balance between my work life, my family, my friends, my love life and my "being-with-myself-doing-my-own-thing". Can I do that? I'll try and see.
Actually, I did start doing something new already. I started running last month. What drives me for that is to push myself doing something I've never believed I can do. Running on my own is very very boring and I can have so many excuses to tell myself not to do it, like "ahh it's too bright today", "jezzz, it's dark already", "I want to wait till my friends can run with me" or "no way I gonna run. the place is too crowded". As I said, I started doing it and if I can keep running just on my own and my music, that will be first acheivment I am proud of.
Next thing I will do is seeing my not-so-many friends more often. And, if I can I will make new network by taking a photographing course so that I can join a group of people who loves photography like I do.
It seems like my Year 2010 does not starts smoothly. This kind of thing happened to anyone, not just me. So, I have to live my life for myself and for one who enjoys to see me the way I am.
The show must go on. So must I.
It's me.
Please let me introduce myself. I am a 40 something Thai woman with a decent work. I am a single woman who has just broken up from almost 5 years relationship. Hang on! I am not here to find a new boyfriend. I just want to find the way to keep myself calm and booked with something. Moreover writing is something I love as well as travelling, photographing and chatting :)
This reminds me about my old time when I had my own web page sharing my opinion how I saw the world to the world and I had many readers. It's great to get a chance to do writing again although it is just as a diary of myself.
What happened recently with me teachs me how importance friends are. It make me think of a quote I loved in the past; "Friends are like stars. Not always seen, but always there". They are someone I don't think of when I am happy. I know my friends would not mind that, but I should not only call them when I need a sholder to cry on. They should be able to hear my happy stories as well. Anyway, one thing shocks me, I don't have a lot of friends who I can call "friends". Less than 5, OMG!.
This will make a big change in my life. Yes, I am 40 something. It sound too late to make a big change, but sooner is better, isn't it? I have to manage my life better. I have to find balance between my work life, my family, my friends, my love life and my "being-with-myself-doing-my-own-thing". Can I do that? I'll try and see.
Actually, I did start doing something new already. I started running last month. What drives me for that is to push myself doing something I've never believed I can do. Running on my own is very very boring and I can have so many excuses to tell myself not to do it, like "ahh it's too bright today", "jezzz, it's dark already", "I want to wait till my friends can run with me" or "no way I gonna run. the place is too crowded". As I said, I started doing it and if I can keep running just on my own and my music, that will be first acheivment I am proud of.
Next thing I will do is seeing my not-so-many friends more often. And, if I can I will make new network by taking a photographing course so that I can join a group of people who loves photography like I do.
It seems like my Year 2010 does not starts smoothly. This kind of thing happened to anyone, not just me. So, I have to live my life for myself and for one who enjoys to see me the way I am.
The show must go on. So must I.
It's me.
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