Live your life

Hi there,

On the date of 21st last month, I was told by my man that he was interested in a girl who he really like. I was informed that he would organise Christmas party at his apartment, but he couldn't invite me because the girl he really like would be there. Later I knew that he and she cooked for everyone. So, we officially broke up. There were some signs of termination before, but it was confirmed on that day. Well, when he wanted to move on (with another girl), I had to move out, but unprepared.

My friend suggested to me that I should talk about achievement I have made more than bad feeling. I understand that he wanted me to focus on positive thing, rather than negative one. But, that is life, good time and bad time alternately. We can't really control our life because it is not just us that included, but other parties life also. We may be able to control our part, but you can't control other's. Life is uncertainty and sometimes seems unfair. Some people luckily have more good time than bad one. Some people are opposite. For me, I used to be in the first group, but recently joined the second one. Although I can accept that my relationship ended by reasons, it hurts still. What I can do now is "try" to be normal and live my life, the way I can feel happy again.

I was thinking about "to live my life" and found that I did so many things in the past, like painting, reading, joining workshops making handmade stuff, knitting etc. I realised that I did so many acitivities to fill my free time because I was not involved in any relationship. Did I enjoy to live my life like that? Yes, I was happy, at that circumstance. As the result, these activities I did made my man, at that time thought I was an interesting person.

When I got involved in my last relationship, I enjoyed being with my man so my life was about planning to do something with him when I had free time. I felt like every Friday was my New Year holiday. Doing nothing, but seeing him on Saturday was like heaven. Those activities I did in the past were not attractive to me anymore. So, it was faded out one by one. Was it the good way to live my life? Yes, it was good and I was happy, again at that circumstance. Unfortunately, it made me less interesting after I became a doing-nothing lady and attached too much to only one thing. When I lost what I attached to, I felt like I had nothing left. That's why I feel so painful. However, if you ask me whether I would live my life differently in case I had a chance to go back to my past. My answer will be "No".

This makes me think whether we should admire people by number of activities they have done (or how many clubs they have joined) or we should admire them by the way they enjoy those activities (even if it is just a single dull one that can't be called "activity"). If she is happy to spend all her free time for her man or to look after her kids/parent, why shouldn't she be admired?

However, I have to make sure that the reason I plan to do so many things again at this moment is just to make myself happy with current circumstance, not to compete with anyone. Will it make anyone admire me? I don't know, it is beyond my control.

This blog entry may sound sad again. Please be patient. When my happy day comes, you will see happy story in this blog.

xx
It's me