I hate myself

Hi there,

I know you will be wondering what I mean for this entry's title and question why I hate myself.

In any circumstance, situation or problem, we can select to think about good part (and feel ok with it) or bad part of what has happened (and suffer from it).

During this breaking up, from total 10 progress levels I have moved from Level 1 (the most suffering emotion) to Level 5 (somewhere in the middle. very happy one day, cry on the way home on the next day). Although it is not easy, I am a bit better each day. However, I usually destroy my happiness by asking these questions and make myself feel bad again :-

Why this happened to me?
How could he kissed her while he was in relationship with me?
How could he let me look after his apartment when he was on oversea and in country trip that involved her (and he might kiss her in one of those trip)?
How could he stay with her on the 3rd Jan. (and ignored my phone) after we just had good new year holiday together?
How could she move her stuff in his apartment just after I moved mine out for 2-3 weeks?
Etc...

When I don't think about those questions, I feel good like I am back to normal. I can laugh again. I can talk/chat to him normally with no pain. I have choices, but why select to make myself suffer. I don't really understand. I might be mad. I hate myself.

Today I spent my time with my female friend having face mask, good treatment for lady, and end up shopping at Central. I saw many nice looking guys in store and I told myself "Wow, I have never seen so many handsome guys at the same time before" Why is that? Because now I am available so I keep my eyes opened for new faces (even just for curious). I have never done this when I was in relationship. I have never searched for someone better than my man.

I always believe that you can't find for the best lover, you only get the better one. However, don't forget that everyone always has something better and worse than other, depend what you focus on and weight for. If you keep searching and start to compare the lover you have and the new potential one, the existing one will never win. Why is that? With your existing lover, you know all his/her good and bad thing. With the new potential one, you will only see good thing which must attract you to his/her. He/she may have more bad thing than your existing lover, but you won't see it or see but ignore it. Why? Becasue he/she has something that your existing one does not have. So, you decide to go ahead with new potential one. Couple years later if you don't stop searching, this cycle will happen again and will never stop.

From my observation in supermarket i see that even with "Sale" tag on, not many people will pick a pack of old meat. The fact of life is "Old meat never win when compete with fresh one".

You may argue that when someone keep searching that becasue something are missing from his/her relationship. True! But nothing is perfect, nor is relationship. There will be something missting in your new relationship as well. It is about how you value "something missing" vs."something you guys have together". Unfortunately, most of us spend time seeking for thing we miss rather than utilise time to enjoy what we already have.

Anyway, it happened and nothing I can do about it. It may seem to you guy that right now I can accept this fact of life, but trust me tomorrow I will ask myself those non-sense questions again and feel terrible. It will take a year to move to level 10 perhap.

See why I hate myself?
What? You hate me too? :) I know you don't.

Good night.
me